December 2020 Challenge story - As Time Goes By - PG-13
Dec 31, 2020 10:41:12 GMT -8
Post by dakent on Dec 31, 2020 10:41:12 GMT -8
As Time Goes By by DA Kent
Gunsmoke. M/K, with a good helping of Doc. PG-13.
This would take place sometime in Season 19, just prior to The Disciple.
NOTES:
I love angst, and I sometimes write in multiple POVs so it’s more cinematic.
I do not write the dialect for the characters, because we all know how they sound, and written dialect often makes a story harder to read. (The only exception is Festus’s dialect, because he is so eclectic.)
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Kitty took a sip of her coffee and stared into space near the batwing doors across the room. She had been working on an order for her usual whiskey vendor for over an hour, but couldn’t concentrate on it. This should have taken her half an hour at the most. It was something she could do in her sleep most weeks. She sighed. Concentrating on anything took a great deal of effort lately.
A sudden chill made Kitty pull her shawl tighter around her shoulders. She reached for the coffee pot, but Sam was suddenly at her elbow refilling her cup for her. She chuckled. “Thank you, Sam. You know, between you and Doc, I’m getting so spoiled I won’t ever leave Dodge City again, even for a visit. I’d never be able to take care of myself.”
“Now that’s not true, Miss Kitty,” said Sam. “You can take care of yourself better than any woman I’ve ever known.”
Kitty looked at him. “Really? Better than any you’ve known?”
Sam nodded. “You bet, Miss Kitty. That’s why it’s okay if you’re spoiled a little bit now and then. It kind of evens things out.”
Kitty grinned. “I’m not sure I understand that reasoning, Sam, but I’ll take it. Sometimes it’s nice to be waited on.”
Sam smiled at her and nodded, then went on his way to polish the brass rail on the front of the bar. Sometimes Kitty didn’t know why he even bothered. It sure didn’t take long for the cowboys who moseyed up to the bar to dirty it up. But Sam was a proud man, and he took care of the Long Branch like it was his own.
Looking away, Kitty thought about how she knew several proud men around this town.
In fact, she had a lot of pride herself, sometimes too much. And sometimes it got her into trouble. Matt often smiled when she got riled about something that brought out her stubbornness or hurt her pride, which then made her lash out at him. But it never lasted long. Matt would tell her again that she was just too proud about some things and someday it would be her undoing. She smiled when she thought about him saying that. He would say it in that know-it-all voice, and then grin at her. And there would be a hint of flirtation underneath it all. Kitty knew that he secretly loved it that she was such a proud woman. Fact was, he was a damn proud man himself. A stab of pain hit her heart. She shook her head and tried to think about something else, but once she got to thinking about Matt, it was hard to take her mind off him.
Kitty was proud of her saloon and her reputation across the west, too – well, this side of the west, at any rate – and she was proud to be the marshal’s woman. Kitty knew in her heart that her pride in being Matt’s woman made her a better person. She strived to be a woman he would be proud of anywhere, and at any time. After all, in a very real way, she represented him. And she would never allow herself to be less of a woman than he was a man, no matter how high he had set that bar.
But very soon, none of that would matter anyway.
Tears suddenly burned at the corner of her eyes, so she pushed all thoughts out of her head except how much whiskey she had in the back storeroom, and how much she needed to order. After a few calculations and corrections (where had her head been?), she completed the order and put it into an envelope for Sam to give to the vendor. She hoped she wasn’t ordering too much, but it was nearly herding season, and the weekends were already getting busier.
The doors opened in front, and Kitty glanced up. Doc came through, carrying his medical bag and pulling his coat tighter around him. Kitty could tell immediately that he had been out all night. She worried about him, moreso all the time. Doc wasn’t getting any younger. Well, none of them were. Her eyes teared up again and she looked down and blinked them away quickly.
“Hello, Kitty,” said Doc.
“Good morning, Doc. Pull up a chair,” she said, not meeting his eyes, but taking a cup and saucer and pouring Doc some coffee. Like her, Doc preferred the cup and saucer to a mug. There was just something more proper about it, and Doc was the only man in town who would appreciate that. Besides, while it was true that tea always tasted better when using fine china, Kitty also thought coffee tasted better, as well.
“It’s brutal out there this morning, just brutal,” said Doc, sitting.
“You look like you’ve been up all night,” she said.
Doc nodded and took a sip of his coffee. “Oh, that’s good.”
“Well, thank you.”
“I have been looking forward to this for the past couple of hours,” he said.
“Sometimes a hot cup of coffee can do wonders,” she said.
“No, I mean this – all of this. Sitting here with you in the Long Branch in the morning, with a good cup of coffee. No distractions, no one to bother us. Just you and me, Kitty, catching up on the past twenty-four hours or so. And Sam, wandering around taking care of things. These are some of my most favorite times.” He shook his head and sipped his coffee, and sighed contentedly.
Kitty’s eyes filled with tears yet again. These were some of her favorite times, too – gossiping with Doc in the mornings and enjoying her time with him, knowing the town marshal would stop in a little while later. She would pour Matt coffee, too, and they would smile at each other and flirt. And if he had stayed the night with her and left at dawn to make his rounds, both their eyes would still reflect the intimacy of the night before.
But it had certainly been awhile since that had happened.
She couldn’t stop the tears from filling her eyes, so she looked down into her coffee cup.
Everything got to her lately. Doc was getting older, and yet he still enjoyed all the things that really mattered. Kitty tried never to take their morning gossip over coffee for granted. One day, for one reason or another, things would change. It was inevitable.
In fact, things were changing now, and she didn’t know how much longer she could go on like this, pretending they were the same as always. She had been pretty good at pretending lately, but last night she had finally allowed herself to take a long, hard look at how things were. Now, there was no going back.
“Kitty?”
Kitty blinked away the moisture in her eyes and glanced up at Doc. He was looking at her with concern.
“You okay?” he asked.
She nodded. “I’m fine, Doc.”
“Well, you don’t look fine. In fact, you look a little pale this morning. Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”
Kitty nodded again. “Yes, I’m just… tired.”
“Tired? Did you get to bed late again?” he asked.
Kitty really hadn’t, not last night. But she nodded. She didn’t want to think about it right now. And she didn’t have any fresh excuses to give Doc. No matter what she said, he would see through any excuse she gave him anyway. Doc knew her too well. She wouldn’t be able to get away with a lie, and probably not even a half truth. She smiled wryly. She could play poker with the best of them and never give away her hand, but Doc could read her like a book. Good thing she never played poker with him.
“Kitty?” Doc’s concern was evident.
“I’m sorry, Doc. My mind was wandering,” she said.
“Kitty, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing…” she said, searching for some flimsy excuse Doc would buy, even for a little while.
“Now, I know you better than that, young lady!”
Kitty chuckled, but it was forced. “Doc, you haven’t called me that in a long time! And you know, I’m not that young anymore.” Her voice nearly broke on that last part.
Doc looked at her some more. Something wasn’t right. “Well, you are to me, and you always will be.”
Kitty smiled at Doc fondly. But she suddenly felt a stab of pain in her heart and looked away. She realized she was becoming more and more sentimental lately, and of course she knew why, but it wasn’t something she could explain to Doc, not now. She had to decide what to do, and then she would inform him. That’s the way it had to be.
‘Kitty,…” Doc began.
Kitty stood. “Doc, I have an awful lot of work to do this morning. I’ll see you later.”
She touched his shoulder briefly, and then left the saloon through the door marked PRIVATE that led to her office, leaving a perplexed Doc sitting alone with his coffee cup.
After shutting her office door, Kitty leaned against it. Her heart was beating fast. She had to make up her mind about what to do, and quickly. She wasn’t able to pretend to Doc that things were okay. He could read her too well, and she didn’t need him asking her more questions. The answers were made up of things she wasn’t ready to talk about.
Kitty sat at her desk and opened her book with the overview of yesterday’s business. Today, she had to work on her ledger. She had to hold herself accountable. Just because her life was falling apart, that didn’t mean she could be slack with her business. A saloon didn’t run itself. She had to eat, and she had to make sure she had enough money for the next part of her life, whatever that would be.
After she finished with the ledger, she would go upstairs and do some thinking.
Tears came to her eyes again, and it was becoming more than annoying. Kitty prided herself on being strong-willed and self-sufficient. But everything that made up Kitty Russell also depended on the man who meant everything to her, and things had changed. She wiped the tears away quickly and stood. She paced her office, trying to focus, trying to talk some sense into herself. But as she looked around, she couldn’t help remembering various locations in this very room where he’d held her, kissed her, told her he loved her. He didn’t say the words often, especially outside the bedroom, but when he did, it was special.
Sitting again at her desk, Kitty realized that when it was all said and done, she would have to leave Dodge City, there was no question about it. After eighteen years, there was barely a square foot of space in this entire town where she didn’t have a memory associated with Matt Dillon.
Well, that was it, then. She took a deep breath. She would sell the Long Branch and move on. At least one thing was settled.
Suddenly, Kitty realized she hadn’t even asked Doc about the emergency that had kept him out of town all night. She always asked Doc about his day – or his night, when he’d been called away. She sighed. Not only would Doc notice she hadn’t asked, but she felt just awful about it. Even though her relationship with a certain marshal was falling apart, she couldn’t allow herself to treat her friends differently. And Doc was her best friend.
Doc Adams sat for several minutes, finishing his coffee. Kitty had left rather abruptly, which was her way when she didn’t want to talk about something that had hit her particularly hard. But it had been a long time since she had reacted like this, and it had only happened a few times in the last eighteen years. Every other time, Doc had known what the problem was and why she didn’t want to talk about it. It always had to do with Matt Dillon, of course, and his lack of attention to her, or his cancellation of their plans, which had certainly happened a lot over the years. But it had also been a long time since Kitty had gotten upset over something like that, and even longer since she didn’t want to discuss it with Doc.
Chances were, today’s distraction also concerned Matt Dillon. Some things didn’t change. Doc wondered what Matt did or didn’t do this time. It had to be something bad for Kitty to be so single-minded that she hadn’t even asked what his out-of-town emergency had been last night. And, Kitty wasn’t the young and impetuous woman she used to be. She had grown into a mature, settled, and still beautiful woman, who had become very accustomed to the marshal’s frequent trips out of town, his blatant inattentions and his lack of regard to detail, such as realizing she was wearing a new dress or hat. Over the years, Kitty had become so accustomed to this, in fact, that Doc was sure whatever had upset her was much more important than missing a picnic.
It had taken time and several rocky moments, but Kitty and Matt had settled into a lovely relationship based solidly in trust and love for each other. They were used to being apart, which made them appreciate the time they had together even more. Matt still lived each day knowing a bullet could take him from Kitty in a split-second, and Kitty lived each day trying not to think about that. Doc had watched Matt over the years, seen him mature and finally learn something about how to keep his woman satisfied – and Kitty wasn’t always the easiest to appease if she got her feathers ruffled. Matt complimented Kitty a little more often than he used to, and he paid her more attention. Doc secretly thought Matt finally understand more about what Kitty had given up to be with him. Also, Doc noticed the more Matt was around other women, the more he seemed to appreciate what he had waiting for him at home. Kitty was special. Oh, Matt had always known it, but he had spent so many years focusing on upholding the law and cleaning up Dodge City that he hadn’t thought about it as much as he should have. At least, that was Doc’s opinion on the matter. But after eighteen years of Matt upholding the law, Dodge was pretty settled, and it was a whole lot safer than it was before Matt came to town. Matt had already lived far longer than he thought he would when he first pinned on the badge, and he was more comfortable these days, at least as much as possible for a marshal with a great big job to do. Doc also watched Matt when a man paid a little too much attention to Kitty. Matt had never been one for jealousy, but as time went by, Doc saw him look at those other men a little more closely – oh, not the cowboys or rustlers, or others who happened into the Long Branch for a good time. Matt watched the others – the men who could potentially prove interesting to Kitty and who might have something to offer her. Doc thought it was good for Matt to see that. It made him pay a little closer attention to Kitty himself.
But Kitty was also more settled. She knew her own mind better than ever. And although men were still attracted to her and wanted her, she continued to show them no mind. Kitty had found out over the years that no matter how much she told herself she could leave Matt if she ever decided to, it just wasn’t true. She had tried, more than once, but she always came back. She had also tried giving her heart to other men over the years, but none had compared to Matt Dillon. No matter how much she told herself she could love a lesser man, or a different one, she never could. She always came back to Matt, and even with his imperfections and the fact that she would always be second in his life next to that badge, he was worth it to Kitty. Matt Dillon was a good man, and Kitty loved him more than life itself.
One good thing that came with age was understanding one’s limits, reducing expectations, and realizing what was truly important in life.
Doc swallowed the last sip of coffee and placed the cup back in the saucer. He always enjoyed his coffee just a little bit more when it was in a cup and saucer, and he loved it that Kitty served it to him that way more often than not. It made him feel special. She usually served everyone else coffee in a mug. He mashed his hat on his head and stood. Sam was busy with a couple of cowboys at the counter, so Doc took off for home. He was tired and the thought of his bed sounded better than anything else right now.
As Doc walked back through the wet, frigid temperatures to his office, he still couldn’t figure what was wrong with Kitty this morning, but he also knew it would come to light. Kitty tried to keep her problems to herself, but Doc knew he would get it out of her eventually. He always did.
Kitty Russell could pull the wool over most men’s eyes, and she could talk her way out of most anything, but one thing she couldn’t do was get one over on ole’ Doc. And she knew it. That’s precisely why she had left for her office so suddenly.
Doc attempted to get some sleep, but a couple of other patients awakened him during the course of the day. He stitched up Josh Fletcher’s leg after a pitchfork tried to take it off, and then as he was finally drifting off to sleep a couple of hours later, Ma Smalley brought over a young man who had cut himself trying to cut up an apple. Why in tarnation a ten-year-old didn’t know how to handle a knife around an apple, Doc didn’t know. But it wasn’t his business, and he always made it a point to stay clear of other people’s business.
Mostly.
He stayed out of other people’s business when they weren’t close personal friends, or someone he didn’t know very well. Some people, however, were dear to him and if he inserted himself into their business every now and then, well, it was because he cared about them and wanted the best for them. And there was nothing wrong with that.
After his two unexpected patients were bandaged and gone, Doc made his way back to bed, and tossed and turned some more, but sleep wouldn’t come. Not only was it getting harder for him to sleep when it was light out, even after a long night of doctoring, he was also finding it harder to sleep when things weren’t the way they should be.
He couldn’t stop thinking about Kitty, and when she wasn’t herself it concerned Doc. He thought the world of Kitty Russell, and had since the day he met her and realized Matt Dillon had finally met his match. But he and Kitty had become fast friends all on their own, and he had taken it upon himself to look out for her over the years, especially when Matt was away. But he also genuinely liked her company, so it wasn’t difficult to do. In fact, when he told Kitty earlier that he looked forward to their quiet times over coffee each morning, he’d meant every word of it.
But Kitty was also a redhead, and by golly, she could sure get riled up about some things. Today, though, she didn’t seem riled. She was sad, bothered about something, and maybe a bit anxious. This bothered Doc more. At least if she were riled, it was the sort of behavior he expected from her every now and then.
After a long day, Doc finally got out of bed and put on his robe. The clock read 10:00. It was 10:00 p.m. and he hadn’t had more than a couple hours of good solid rest all day. He brushed his hand over his moustache, and left the bedroom for his office. He intended to stoke the fire in the stove and warm up the leftover coffee in the pot he kept there, but now he was wide awake.
And he was also frustrated.
He went back into his bedroom and started to dress. Kitty was more than likely still downstairs at the Long Branch. Closing time was a few hours away and, at this rate, he wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon.
By golly, he was going to see Kitty right now and get to the bottom of whatever was bothering her. He wouldn’t be able to rest until he knew Kitty was all right, and things were the way they oughta be.
Walking into the Long Branch, Doc glanced up at the clock on the wall. It was 10:30 p.m., still early in saloon time. He looked around but didn’t see Kitty. Sam was pouring a glass of whiskey for a cowboy who took it back to a poker table with him. Doc walked over to the bar.
“Can I get you a drink, Doc?” asked Sam.
Doc shook his head. “No, Sam, thanks. Kitty around?”
“She went upstairs a few minutes ago, Doc. It was busy earlier, but the ones left in here now are a pretty tame crowd. It’ll start to thin out directly,” said Sam. “I could tell Miss Kitty still has something bothering her, so I told her I can handle things until closing. I thought maybe a little extra sleep might come in handy for her.”
Doc smiled to himself. Sam looked out for Kitty in any way he could. “Well, I’m sure she isn’t in bed yet. I’m going up to see her for a few minutes, Sam.”
“Nothin’s the matter is it, Doc?” Going upstairs to see Miss Kitty at this hour wasn’t usual for Doc.
“Yes there sure is, Sam. Whatever is the matter with Kitty is keeping me from sleeping, and I’m determined to put an end to it!”
Sam looked relieved. It was about time someone who could do something about making Miss Kitty get back to herself decided to take care of things. Nothing seemed right when she wasn’t her usual self.
Doc started up the stairs to see Kitty.
Kitty was brushing her hair at her dresser when a knock sounded at her door. She sighed. It could be one of the girls, or… who knew. She lay down her brush and opened the door.
“Doc!” said Kitty, startled. She wasn’t used to seeing Doc out and about this late, not unless he was called out for some medical emergency. He didn’t often come into the Long Branch after ten or so anymore, either. As time went by, a lot of things had changed. But he never come upstairs to see her unless something was wrong.
Kitty was especially surprised to see him at her door at this hour, though. Her mind automatically raced to Matt Dillon, and her heart rate sped up. Had Matt been shot? “Doc, is everything all right?” But as soon as she had the thought about Matt, she knew that wasn’t the problem. Besides, she hadn’t heard a gunshot, and her entire being was on alert for those, day and night.
“You tell me,” said Doc, but Kitty continued to stare at him. “May I come in?” he asked.
The surprise Kitty felt at seeing Doc so unexpectedly began to dissipate and she realized she was trapped. Kitty wasn’t put into this position often, and she had let down her guard. Of course he was here about her behavior this morning. She hadn’t been on her game concerning quite a few things lately.
Kitty stepped back and allowed Doc to enter. She hadn’t changed out of her dress yet because she knew sleep would be a long time coming. She thought she might even go back downstairs if her thoughts became too overwhelming. She could only think about losing Matt for so long before her strength began to crumble, and she needed to hold onto as much of it as she could, and for as long as she could. After she was gone from Dodge and beginning a new life in another town, she could collapse. But that was after she sold the Long Branch and left this cold, ugly town she’d come to love, along with her eighteen years’ worth of friends, her family.
Kitty pushed back the damned tears and closed the door behind Doc. “Let me take your coat, Doc,” she said in an even voice.
“Thank you.”
“Sit down,” she said, gesturing to the comfortable upholstered chair in her small sitting area. She hung his coat and hat on the coat rack in the corner. “How about a brandy?” Doc loved a good brandy, and she thought it might start them out on equal footing.
“That sounds fine, Kitty,” said Doc. He sat and waited for Kitty to hand him the drink. He would allow Kitty time to get her bearing. He knew seeing him at her door this late had thrown her, and starting out with her on the defensive wouldn’t solve anything. He knew he wouldn’t get a thing from her tonight that way.
“It’s not Napoleon,” she said. “But it’s just as good, in my opinion.” She smiled at Doc as though everything were all right. Kitty knew she had to handle this well, and send Doc on his way in a few minutes. She wasn’t up to dealing with his questions tonight. Usually she was safe in her own room but, then again, she wasn’t surprised Doc had sought her out today. He knew something was wrong, and he was relentless in his pursuit of getting to the bottom of all Kitty’s problems. She wished Doc could make everything all right, but nothing was going to be all right for her ever again. Not this time.
She sighed as she turned to pour herself a brandy, as well. She was going to need it.
Kitty sat across from Doc and took a sip from her glass. “Did you get caught up on your sleep today, Doc, or are you still off-schedule?” She knew it sometimes took him awhile to get back to normal after being out all night doctoring somebody. Gone were the days of Doc grabbing a few hours here and there and being just fine. Once, he could deal well with irregular hours, but Doc was older now.
Kitty knew how things could change when one got older.
She looked up at Doc, and saw him staring at her. His brandy was on the table beside him, but he hadn’t touched it. She sighed heavily. This could take longer than she had hoped.
“Do you want to tell me about it, Kitty?” asked Doc gently.
“Tell you about what, Doc?” she asked, but her heart wasn’t into deception. Her heart needed a rest from a lot of things, in fact.
“I want to know what’s the matter with you. You haven’t been yourself for several days now. In fact, you’ve been distracted for longer than that, but we’ll stick with several days. At first, I thought it might be this weather, which tends to make everybody miserable. But the weather doesn’t seem to be the problem with you. In fact, I’m not even sure you know what season it is right now.”
“Doc…”
“No, now, I don’t want any blamed excuses or attempts to placate me to make me go away!”
Kitty looked at him in surprise. “What makes you think…”
“I know you. And I’m tired, Kitty – tired from no sleep, tired of you not being yourself, and I’m certainly tired of this wet weather. Whatever is bothering you, I want to know about it before I leave this room.”
Kitty took a deep breath. She would give it one more try. “Doc, I appreciate your concern, I really do. But I’m not ready to talk about it just now.” She said the last part firmly, hoping Doc would see it in his heart to give her a little more time.
“Well, that’s too bad, Kitty, and that kind of argument might work with Matt Dillon…” Doc began.
“I’m not concerned about Matt Dillon right now!” Kitty said in a strong voice that surprised both of them. She looked at Doc with wide eyes, then stood and walked to the window overlooking Front Street. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I don’t know where that came from.” She looked out at the darkness because she didn’t want Doc to see how much this outburst had unnerved her.
“Well, evidently it came from being mad at Matt,” he said in a normal tone. He crossed his legs and reached for his brandy, glad he had at least broken the outer shell on this thing.
After a long moment, Kitty said, “I’m not mad at him, Doc.”
The brandy was indeed a good one, but the thought was gone as soon as he had it. “I’ve never seen you like this over anything or anyone else.”
Kitty felt her hand start to shake, so she took a large sip from her glass. Her hands never shook. She needed to steady herself, inside and out.
“If it isn’t about Matt, then what in the world is the matter, Kitty?” asked Doc.
She blinked away the moisture in her eyes as she watched a cowboy leave the saloon downstairs, intent on crossing Front Street to get to his horse without appearing drunk. Anyone looking at him wouldn’t be taken in by his easy saunter, just as Kitty knew Doc hadn’t believed she was fine, no matter how hard she had worked lately to put on a good front.
“Kitty?” Doc stood and walked over to her, put his hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. “I don’t like this one bit. I’m getting very concerned about you.” He saw the tired look in her eyes and knew it wasn’t from physical tiredness, but from a weariness she felt deep inside. This wasn’t good. “Come and sit down,” he said, moving her back to her chair. She sat, because there was nothing else to do.
“Now take another sip of that brandy,” he said gently. She did.
Doc went back to his own chair to give her some space, and time to gather her thoughts. He took a sip of his own brandy and waited.
Finally, when Kitty remained quiet and didn’t seem ready to talk at all, Doc said, “I’ve only known you to get into this kind of… turmoil… when it concerns Matt,” he said. “So I’m at a loss. Help me out,” he said.
“I said I’m not mad at him, Doc,” she said. “I didn’t say it didn’t concern him.” Her voice was nearly emotionless.
“Tell me,” he said gently.
Kitty finished her brandy and stood. “I need some whiskey, Doc, if I’m going to talk about this. I’d rather not, actually, but I don’t believe you’ll leave me be until we have this talk.”
Doc nodded. “Fine, get the whiskey,” he said. “I will probably need one, too.” He handed his empty brandy glass to her as she walked past him to the sideboard.
Kitty put both brandy glasses down and poured two whiskeys. Brandy was for quiet pondering, enjoying easy friendships, and gentle times. Whiskey was for everything else.
Kitty carried a generous glass of whiskey over to Doc and sat back down with her own. She knew Doc was waiting for her to talk. Whatever had made her think she could have some time on her own to decide when to tell him what was happening? Doc never let her keep things from him. It was something she loved about him, but it could also be aggravating when she just wanted to be left alone. She took a deep breath.
“Something has happened, Doc,” Kitty said, so softly Doc had to listen carefully to hear her. “I’m not even sure when it started exactly, but it’s already done.”
Doc was struggling to get any sense from this. “Kitty, you need to get ahold of yourself,” he said. He’d never seen her like this. “What are you talking about?”
Kitty suddenly looked up at Doc. “All right,” she said, as though seeing him for the first time. Kitty took a strong drink of the whiskey in her glass. “Doc, Matt is… well, Matt and I are… finished.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. She never thought, after all they had been through and survived together, it would come to this. “He just hasn’t told me yet,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “He’s no longer interested in me, and all that’s left now is for him to tell me that.” She stood and moved back to the window. She needed distance – from Doc, and from her own thoughts. But neither would go away.
“Kitty… well, Kitty, that’s just… well, it’s preposterous!” Doc stood and walked towards Kitty. He stopped a couple of feet from her. “You know better than that, Kitty.”
She didn’t turn to face him. “You can’t say that, Doc. You don’t know how things have been between us lately.” The hurt in her voice wasn’t lost on Doc.
“Well, if you and Matt haven’t even talked about whatever this is, then you don’t know, either!” Doc knew he was tired, but this talking in circles was something he wasn’t up for tonight.
Kitty laughed a small, sad laugh. “A woman knows, Doc.”
Doc took a deep breath. “Kitty, if there is one thing I never doubt, it’s your knowledge of men – and especially your man. But if you’re saying Matt is… is no longer interested in you, no longer wants you to be his woman, then you need to be able to tell me something more than ‘a woman knows.’ If he hasn’t said anything to you specifically about this, then it’s not real. Matt Dillon is a man of few words…”
“Very few,” she said.
Doc took a deep breath. Yes, he knew that. And blast it all, Matt was aggravating in that fact. People, especially women, needed to hear certain words from time to time. He’d tried to talk to Matt about that over the years, but Matt Dillon was… well, he was downright aggravating, and there was no other word for it! And he was as stubborn as Kitty was when she believed in something. Matt truly believed if he said something one time, then that was all there was to it. Everything was black and white, right or wrong, and he didn’t have the time to waste saying the same thing over and over. Doc wouldn’t be surprised at all if Matt had told Kitty just once that he loved her – one time, maybe eighteen years ago – and thought that was good enough for all time. And as much as Kitty was forgiving of Matt’s downfalls, she sure needed to be told some things a little more often. Everyone needed reassurances now and then.
Doc turned and walked away from her. He needed to collect himself. “Kitty, what in the world…” he muttered. He took a swig of whiskey and another deep breath. Of all the things Kitty could have said, he was least prepared to hear what she’d just told him. He was getting too old for this. “What makes you believe that, Kitty?” he finally asked.
Kitty’s eyes filled with tears. She wasn’t sure she could talk right now. She hadn’t planned to discuss this with Doc tonight, and her tears were too close to the surface.
He turned back to face her. “Talk to me, Kitty,” Doc said gently. No, he had never seen her like this, and it was a bad one, whatever it was.
“Matt hasn’t been around lately,” she said. “He…”
“Matt’s not been out of town much at all in the last several weeks, Kitty. You know that.”
“He’s been in Dodge, Doc, but he hasn’t come into the Long Branch very often.” She took another drink from her glass. “You know how Matt’s always stopped in several times a day when he’s in town?”
“Sure do. Everyone in Dodge knows if Matt’s not in his office, the next place to check is the Long Branch,” said Doc. Doc also knew Kitty’s room was a good guess, too.
“Well, a few weeks ago, he stopped coming in much at all. It soon became once a day, and then a couple of times a week, and now…” She swallowed hard. “Now, he has Festus make his rounds on this side of town so he doesn’t have to come in here at all.”
Doc felt as though he’d been slapped. That just couldn’t be true! “Kitty…”
“Oh, he manages to come in once every few days. He buys a beer and if I’m around, he’ll sit with me. But he doesn’t talk much, Doc. He looks into space, thinking about something I can’t figure out. He doesn’t hear me when I talk to him, and he doesn’t share things with me anymore – not news about the outlaws he’s chasing, or the latest Wanted posters, or anything else. And you know how he’s always asked me to be on the lookout for some gunslinger or outlaw, or to keep my ear to the ground about some gossip that might be going around, but now… there’s nothing, Doc. It’s as though we don’t have anything in common anymore, or anything to talk about. If I ask him a question, he’ll give me a short answer. And soon after, he leaves. Just like that. He’s so distracted, I don’t even know if he remembers coming in at all.” Kitty remained at the window. She couldn’t face Doc. Somehow, talking to Doc about losing Matt was the hardest thing she’d ever done. Being a woman, a strong woman, and Matt Dillon’s woman, had been a part of her life for so long, and had kept her centered for so many years, that she didn’t know who she was anymore without him.
“How have I missed this, Kitty?” Doc was stunned. “I never thought about not seeing you and Matt together lately, but you’re right, we haven’t run into each other at Delmonico’s or even here at the Long Branch much. Still, the three of us had a beer together just the other night…”
“And he talked only to you, Doc,” said Kitty. “It was as though I wasn’t there. And he didn’t stay long.”
“Kitty, I didn’t notice that at all!” said Doc. This couldn’t be right. “Matt said he had work to do, and it’s true he didn’t stay more than a few minutes….”
“He always has work to do, Doc, but he used to be able to fit me into his life somewhere along the way.”
“Well, I sure didn’t notice anything out of sorts, or that he didn’t talk to you,” said Doc.
“That’s because you’re a man, Doc. You wouldn’t notice something like that,” she said, matter-of-factly. “Besides, you’ve been busy yourself lately. You haven’t been coming into the Long Branch in the evenings as often, either. It’s been pretty lonesome around here.”
Doc scrubbed at his moustache, in that way he had, and paced the room. What Kitty said was true. He had been busy. But had he been so busy he hadn’t noticed a difference between Matt and Kitty? “Something’s not right here, Kitty… something’s just not right.”
“Festus knows, too. He knows something is bad wrong, Doc, at the very least. He can’t look me in the eye when he comes in to check on things. He doesn’t know what to say to me, all of a sudden. And I don’t know what to say to him.” Kitty tried to swallow the lump that was stuck in her throat. Why was it when a couple split up, their friends had to pick sides? She was sure Festus would remain with Matt. He had to, there was no other way. She didn’t know about Doc. Doc had been Matt’s friend first, back before Kitty had come to town eighteen years ago. His allegiance should be to Matt, and maybe it would stay that way. But she also knew she and Doc had a friendship that surpassed any she had known. Doc was her family. She didn’t know how she could lose both Matt and Doc at the same time. She didn’t know if her heart could survive that. But then, she was leaving town. And Matt and Doc could go back to a time before Kitty ever set foot in Dodge City. Maybe those eighteen years’ worth of memories could be put neatly away, and they could pretend she had never been a part of their lives at all.
Suddenly Doc turned to Kitty. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but…. “What is it you’re not saying, Kitty?”
“Doc, I don’t …” she said.
“What is it, Kitty?” asked Doc. He had to know.
Kitty pushed away her tears once more and cleared her throat. She had to tell Doc, no matter how much it hurt her pride, and her heart, to say the words. “Matt is seeing another woman, Doc.”
“What? What in the world would ever make you think…?” asked a bewildered Doc.
“She’s probably in Hays, Doc. That would be my guess.” Kitty swallowed some whisky, hoping the slow burn of the alcohol would make this a little easier. But it didn’t. “I know she’s not here in Dodge. If she was, I would know, and that’s something Matt wouldn’t do – see another woman right under my nose. Matt has too much pride for that, and it would make him too uncomfortable. But Matt has been going to Hays a lot lately – for a day at a time, or maybe two. I asked him during one of his stops into the Long Branch about his trips to Hays and he said he has business there. That’s all. Once, he would have told me more about it, Doc. This time it’s a woman.” Matt wasn’t one for sweet words or endearments, but he could usually talk about his business trips involving that badge just fine.
Finally, Doc stopped moving around. “Kitty, Matt Dillon also has more pride than to see another woman behind your back. He just wouldn’t do that. Plus, I happen to know he’s not looked at another woman since the day he met you.” He took a sip of his whiskey, and a deep breath. “Just you listen to us. This is… this is crazy talk! You and I both know Matt Dillon. We know his character, and what and how he believes. And we both know how he feels about you, Kitty! In fact, over the last four or five years, I’ve watched him show you more attention than he ever did before.” Doc forced himself to calm down. He had to get Kitty to look at this realistically. “He’s proud of you, Kitty. And he’s told me, actually told me, you are the most exciting woman he’s ever known. And for Matt Dillon to put those words together and actually say them…”
“When?”
“What?” he asked.
“When did he tell you that, Doc?”
Doc thought hard. “I don’t know… maybe three or four years ago, or five. Something like that.”
Kitty nodded and took a deep breath. “A lot of men get tired of being with the same woman,” she said. “It’s not that way for women, Doc, not when they’re in love. But men… men like change, especially when a woman who knows how to handle them feeds their ego, makes them feel special.” She sure knew how that worked.
“What in tarnation are you talking about?” asked Doc. She had just told him more than he ever expected to hear from Kitty, and far more than he wanted to.
“Women don’t age the same way men do, Doc. And sometimes a man wants a taste of something different as time goes by. After spending eighteen years loving just me, Matt may have been seduced by the promise of something new, from someone more exciting, someone… younger.” Her throat hurt from the tears she had been pushing back.
“Matt Dillon hasn’t looked at anyone else since you and he got together, Kitty. There’s been no one else. And that’s a fact.”
Kitty nodded. “I know that was true until recently, Doc.”
“It’s still true.”
“Doc, you didn’t even notice that things have changed between us, so how can you know that?” She turned to look at him then, and Doc saw the pain in her eyes.
“Matt’s never wanted or needed another woman, Kitty. You’ve always been more than enough for him. We both know that, too.”
“I accept that he wasn’t looking for anyone else, Doc. Sometimes Matt doesn’t even have time for me. I believe he wasn’t looking. But there are a lot of women out there who see him, and I know he’s attractive to them, Doc. Matt’s a special man, that’s easy to see. And just because he wasn’t looking doesn’t mean they weren’t. A woman has a lot of power over a man when he’s at his most vulnerable.”
Her eyes grew moist again and she turned away. “Another woman could have set her mind on him, and didn’t stop until she had him.” Kitty knew how that worked. She had set her mind on Matt Dillon herself the first moment she saw him.
“And what’s made Matt so vulnerable all of a sudden, Kitty?”
“Age,” she said. “As time goes by, it makes all of us vulnerable in one way or another.”
There was that word again, Doc noticed. “Don’t you talk to me about age where you’re concerned, Kitty. There are as many men interested in you right now as there ever was – and I don’t mean drunken cowboys. I mean men, good men, real men, men who matter.”
Kitty smiled weakly at Doc. “Oh, Doc – I’m new and different to them now, but that would only last awhile. There’s something about saloon women that men are drawn to – they want the woman who makes love to them to look pretty and be attentive. They want a woman who knows how to love her man in bed, and make him feel special. But then, most men want to go back home for everything else – to the woman who cooks and cleans and mends their clothing.”
“Kitty Russell, I’ve never heard you talk this way! You’re more than all that, and you know it! You’ve been much more than that to Matt, too, and you still are! You talk about feeding a man’s ego, Kitty. Well, nobody has ever fed a man’s ego as well as you’ve fed Matt’s, God knows. I’ve watched you do it for eighteen years!”
“Eighteen years is a long time, Doc. Maybe Matt needs someone new to do that now. A lot of men want to hear those words come from someone fresh and young enough to make them feel like a new man all over again.”
“Matt has never needed a woman to make him feel like a man, Kitty. He’s a man’s man, always has been. You know that, too.”
Kitty smiled sadly. “That’s a different thing altogether, Doc. A man who is made to feel vital by a woman… well, for a man, that can be the strongest and most powerful feeling in the world.”
Doc knew Kitty understood men better than anyone, and certainly better than Doc. Doc had never had a lot of time to devote to understanding women, either, or even being loved by them, or loving them. Oh, he had experienced what it was like to love a woman, but so much of that was in the past now, and something he dragged out on rare occasion. He was a doctor, first and foremost, and he had taken an oath….
And for the very first time, Doc saw the similarities between himself and Matt Dillon. Matt had also taken an oath. And that oath, represented by the badge he wore every day, was the most important thing in Matt’s life. Doctoring was the most important thing in the world to Doc, and it was represented by his medical bag. Years ago, Doc had lost a woman he loved very much because of his dedication and long hours spent doing his job. And here he was alone in his old age.
He would have to give that more thought later.
What Kitty said was right for some men, though. Being paid attention to by a beautiful woman knocked out everything else, made everything else less important. Doc had seen families torn apart because of a beautiful woman using her charms on the man in the family. He had witnessed the devastation of several families, in fact.
But that was not true for all men – Doc knew that, too. It wasn’t true for him, and the fact that Matt had never married Kitty or put her first in his life as a lawman surely showed her his head couldn’t be turned by just any woman. Kitty was the only woman for Matt. Doc had witnessed Matt’s denial of his feelings for her eighteen years ago, and he had also witnessed the same man give in to his love for her. Matt protected her and loved her the best way he knew how. And Kitty knew that. She’d accepted his limitations. She knew just how far Matt would and wouldn’t go.
No, Doc couldn’t believe Matt Dillon had turned to another woman – not over Kitty Russell. The pride in Matt’s eyes when he looked at her was evidence enough for Doc. Nothing on God’s green earth would make Doc believe that had changed, either. He knew Matt Dillon too well for that. And by golly, so did Kitty.
Doc shook his head. This was all wrong. “Kitty, you’ve given me a lot of words and thoughts. You’ve given me suppositions, ideas. But you’ve not given me any proof, none whatsoever. And I can’t believe any of this without it.”
Kitty turned to Doc and smiled a sad smile. “I’m glad, Doc. I’m glad you need so much to believe what I’ve been experiencing for weeks now.”
“Don’t patronize me, Kitty,” said Doc, moving around the room again. He felt as though his own life were falling apart. He suddenly realized how much of his own strength came from watching Kitty and Matt not only survive a relationship that had so much working against it, but strengthen it along the way, despite all the odds against them over the years. Their strength often made Doc strive to be a stronger, better person. He felt his own beliefs were being questioned, and he didn’t like it one bit. His belief that Matt Dillon and Kitty Russell could survive anything together, and forever, was second only to his belief in God.
Kitty moved to Doc, and took his empty glass from him. “I didn’t intend to patronize you, Doc. I’d never do that,” she said softly, and sighed. “But I can see how you’d take it that way, so I apologize.” She walked over to the sideboard and refilled both glasses with a generous amount of the honey-colored liquid. This was a very expensive whiskey, and she didn’t keep much of it on hand at the Long Branch. The cowboys who frequented the place didn’t care to pay for good whiskey. They would rather have the cheaper whiskey in abundance. It got them drunk faster – or so they thought. But she always kept a bottle of the Long Branch’s best whiskey in her room. Matt enjoyed it when he visited. When he used to visit, she amended that thought. Sharing some of the world’s best whiskey with Matt in her room was one of the many little things she liked to do for him. And that whiskey was being wasted by she and Doc now. They weren’t enjoying it. They were just using it to cope with everything else around them. Maybe those cowboys weren’t so off-base, after all. Cheap whiskey would work just as well right now.
“That’s all right, Kitty,” said Doc gently. “I’m too tired for this talk tonight, but I couldn’t sleep until we had it. And now I know. But I still don’t believe it.”
Kitty turned, and Doc walked over to take his glass from her. He looked into Kitty’s blue, blue eyes and thought for the hundredth time about how beautiful the children would have been if she and Matt had made some together. Both of them had the most incredible blue eyes. Doc always wondered if all their children would have had blue eyes, too. Might one child have had green eyes? It would have been a rare case, but it had been known to happen.
Kitty saw Doc look deep into her eyes. “What is it?” she asked softly.
Doc shook his head and turned away. “Nothing,” he said.
But Kitty knew what he was thinking. In the past, when he looked into her eyes that special way but wouldn’t tell her why, she knew he was thinking about the children she and Matt would never have together. Once, a very long time ago, she had figured it out by something he said later, but Doc never realized he had given it away and she never told him. She had held onto that once, the thought that someone else also thought about those children who would never be born. Her heart had hurt for many years, wondering how many children she and Matt would have had together if he had been a normal man, one who didn’t wear a badge. She had spent years wanting them, but over time, that desire had turned into a dull thud. Time leveled.
Kitty took a deep breath. They had gone this far, so they had to finish it. “I know your allegiance is split between Matt and me, Doc. This can’t be easy for you. But believe me when I tell you it’s true. Matt has already left me. I’m just waiting for him to acknowledge it, and to tell me… about her.”
“No. No, I won’t believe it, Kitty. I know your reasoning makes a logical sense, at least to you. I understand about Matt not being himself lately. I believe you about that. But something is wrong here, very wrong.”
“Right or wrong, it’s true,” she said softly. And now I have to make new plans, Doc. It’s funny, I thought that after all those years of turmoil, years of wondering how much longer Matt would live, how much longer I had left to bear children, how long I could wait for him, how many bullets I could stand to watch you pull out of him, and then finally… finally feeling that things had settled down into a life we both felt comfortable with – well, I guess I never thought I would need to move on at this point.”
“What do you mean, move on?” asked Doc.
“I can’t stay in Dodge, Doc,” she said quietly. “There are far too many memories here for that. I wouldn’t survive it. And in time, if Matt brought her here… well, I couldn’t take that humiliation, or that hurt.”
Doc looked at her. “Seems to me you’ve made all kinds of assumptions and all kinds of plans without verifying the truth of the matter first,” he said.
Kitty took a deep breath. “If what I’ve told you isn’t enough for you to believe Matt is seeing another woman, Doc, here is more for you.” She took another sip of the whiskey. There wasn’t enough drink in the world to make this easier to say. “In the past month, I’ve swallowed my pride several times, Doc. I have asked Matt for a date, just for some time alone with him, four different times. I thought if we could talk, really talk….“ She sighed. “I suggested we have supper at Delmonico’s, but he was too busy. I asked if he wanted to go fishing two Saturday mornings ago. I gave him three days’ notice, but he didn’t have time. We haven’t been fishing together in a few years, Doc. I thought it might be nice.” She swallowed more whiskey. It hurt her pride deeply to have to admit to Doc, or herself, that she couldn’t even get a date with the man she loved. “Then I suggested we take a short buggy ride out on the prairie to watch the sun set some evening. I wasn’t even specific about when. But he has a lot going on right now and couldn’t commit to anything. That’s what he said, Doc. He couldn’t commit to anything.” She stopped just long enough for another sip to take away some of the burning in her throat. From past experience, she knew all about Matt not being able to commit. “Then, finally, I asked him to supper in my room. I thought maybe if I prepared his favorite meal, it would relax him and we could talk. It’s been awhile since I’ve cooked for him, but it has always been the one thing Matt could never resist. I’m a good cook, Doc, when I have time for it, and Matt has always loved having supper in my room.” She smiled wanly. “Good food, good whiskey, good brandy, and maybe even some good loving – if there wasn’t some reason he had to leave in the middle of everything. That badge always comes first, of course.” She had to stop for a moment to get her bearing. “But he said that even though it sounded good, he would have to let me know when he had the time. He would get back to me sometime. He’s been so busy lately that it might be awhile, though.” She stopped and took a deep breath, willing herself not to break down and cry, not to suffer the final humiliation. “He’s never turned down that offer, Doc, not in all these years.”
Doc took another sip of his whiskey. This time, he looked at the glass. “This is good,” he said.
Kitty laughed a small, sad laugh. “And expensive,” she said. “At least we’re getting something out of all this.”
Doc turned to look at her. Kitty was as beautiful as she’d ever been. Oh, everyone and everything changed with time. But time had been good to her somehow. Even after all she’d been through over the years, she was still a compelling woman. And there was no way he would believe Matt Dillon would ever walk away from her, not now, not for anyone or anything. They had too much history together, had walked through too many fires together to get to where they were now, and he had also witnessed Matt appreciating Kitty more over the last few years. Dodge City had settled down, Matt’s job had become a little less intense, and Matt had also gotten better at doing his job over the years. Doc had watched Matt finally start to relax a bit and pay more attention to the woman who had stayed by his side, the one who had persevered through everything right along with him. Doc saw Matt get a brand new appreciation for Kitty somewhere along the way, and he had been glad for it, and glad for Kitty.
No, Doc wouldn’t believe Kitty’s story unless he heard it from Matt Dillon himself.
“I blame myself, Doc, not Matt,” said Kitty, moving back to her chair and sitting. “Somewhere along the way, I became complacent, stopped being on top of my game. Women have to work much harder than men will ever know just to stay interesting and exciting to their man. But I forgot about that, or maybe I got tired, or too comfortable. I’ll figure it out someday when I’m able to look back. But I lost my edge somewhere, Doc. I accept responsibility for that. I haven’t done a very good job of taking care of things at home.” Her voice nearly broke from the strain, but she managed to continue. “I can’t blame Matt if he found what I wasn’t giving him somewhere else.”
Doc swiped at his moustache with his hand, then tugged at his ear. This made no sense at all. “Kitty Russell, if this is all true about Matt – and I say IF, because I still don’t believe it – then you’re flat out wrong. You’ve always put Matt first, always did and still do.”
Kitty shook her head. “But that’s not all there is to it, Doc. Keeping a man is hard work. Women know this, and as time goes by, it’s even harder work. I forgot that somewhere along the way. And now I’m paying the price.”
Doc took another sip of his whiskey and moved around the room. This was tearing him apart inside, but he still knew Kitty wasn’t right about Matt. “I’m not buying it, Kitty. Maybe there’s something Matt isn’t sharing with you, but I can’t believe it has anything to do with another woman. I know Matt Dillon better than that.” He turned to her. “And so do you!”
Kitty nodded. “I’ve struggled with that. I know Matt’s character. He’s the best man, the kindest man, the most gentle and compassionate man I’ve ever known. He genuinely cares about people. He has a great big heart, and that is a part of what makes him a good lawman. I’ve battled with myself over this for weeks, Doc. But it always comes down to the basic fact that Matt is still a man. And men work this way, even good men. When they want to move on, they struggle. They don’t want to believe their heart is leading them elsewhere. They don’t want to believe they are made up of something that could hurt the woman they’ve loved for a long time. But those new feelings almost always win out, Doc.” She took a deep breath and another drink from her glass. After consuming this much alcohol this late, maybe she would be able to sleep tonight. But deep inside, she knew better.
“I still don’t believe it’s that way for Matt, Kitty,” said Doc. “Not the Matt Dillon you and I both know.”
She smiled sadly. “Just remember, eighteen years ago Matt told me he couldn’t commit to a permanent relationship.” A tear escaped and ran down her cheek. She moved back to the window before Doc noticed. “Eighteen years is a long time for a non-permanent relationship, Doc, but maybe that’s what it’s been, after all. Something temporary.”
Doc knew at this point, Kitty would think Matt was seeing another woman until Matt told her differently. She knew Matt’s character, but there were too many things pointing in too many directions right now for her to keep that in perspective.
But Doc knew Matt’s character, too. He also knew Matt didn’t have a high regard for those men who left their wives and families for another woman. He never had. Matt had pride, but he also had a morality few people knew a lot about, and a definition of right and wrong in his mind that would surprise some people. He didn’t like failings in others, and he held himself to the highest standard he believed in for everyone else. Kitty knew all this too, but right now she had so many other things changing what she knew was real and wasn’t real, that she couldn’t see it.
Kitty continued, but she kept her back to Doc and watched Front Street outside her window. It was quiet and mostly dark out there, but she didn’t really see it, and the darkness kept her focused on her thoughts. “Tonight I came upstairs early. I wasn’t as tired as Sam suggested, but I think he was just giving me an excuse. What I really was, was tired of myself. I did something tonight I’ve never done before, Doc.” She couldn’t believe she was admitting this, even to Doc. “Tonight I had a drink with Web Trimble.” She turned to Doc for a sign that he knew Web. “Web owns the large ranch about ten miles west of town.”
Doc nodded. “I know Web. He’s had a big crush on you for years.” A lot of people knew about Web’s affection for Kitty.
Kitty nodded and turned back to the window. “Web comes into town every few weeks to play cards and drink. He comes alone and leaves his men to watch over the ranch. He drinks and plays cards well into the night, and he stays at the Dodge House until the next morning, then heads back home.”
Doc nodded again. Most people around town knew it, too. Where was Kitty going with this?
“He always asks me to have a drink with him, and I always decline. He’s always treated me fine, like a lady, in fact, so a few years ago I started having a drink with him on his birthday, once a year. He looks forward to his birthday, he says, for that very reason.” She smiled weakly. “He asks to buy me a drink several other times throughout the year, but I tell him it’s not his birthday yet, and we leave it at that. Somehow that’s become the line we’ve drawn in the sand, Doc. If I drink with him on his birthday, we can both enjoy it and that line still stands. But tonight, I accepted.” She blinked back the tears again. “And it wasn’t his birthday.” She took a deep breath. “I was the one who overstepped the line.”
Doc didn’t understand what this meant exactly, but he sat back in his chair to listen because it was important to Kitty.
“I gave Web hope, Doc, and it was an awful thing to do. He’s asked me to marry him off and on for the past dozen years, but we’ve kept that line between us and he knows I’m not available. He knows I’m Matt’s woman, and he treats me with respect. But he’s also been waiting to see if something changes. He believes a woman has no reason to stay with a man who won’t marry her. He told me once that he would keep an eye out for my situation with Matt to change one way or the other. If Matt and I marry, then he’ll walk away, but if something happens to Matt or if we break up, then he’ll come to court me full-out.” She chuckled, but it was forced. “I told him there was no reason to believe it would ever change from what it is, and that I was happy with it being this way. He’s never believed that. And tonight, I know he thought I was giving myself to him. You see, Doc, I broke our unspoken rule.” She took another drink from her glass. “I was wrong to do that, Doc, but I needed to know that a man could still want me, a good man. Web is a good man, and I was wrong to use him.” Her throat still burned, and the whiskey didn’t help it anymore. “I finally told him nothing had changed with Matt, even though I’m not sure I convinced him of it. I apologized for breaking the rules, and he was a gentleman and allowed me to retain my dignity. I was so wrong to do what I did, Doc. I can’t remember the last time I needed a man to validate my self-worth. I have never in my life led a man on, and I still feel awful about it. I used Web to get a compliment because I couldn’t get one from the man I love.” She swallowed hard. “I needed a man to make me feel like a woman, Doc – any man, not just Matt Dillon. And if that’s not sad, I don’t know what is.”
“Kitty,” said Doc gently, “what you did isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be. I’m sure Web enjoyed his bit of extra time with you, and you made sure he understood you weren’t opening a new door. It’ll be fine.”
“But that’s not the point, Doc!” Kitty turned from the window and he saw in her eyes how much this was costing her. “I was feeling sorry for myself, and that’s not the way I operate. I do not lead men on.”
“I know that, Kitty,” said Doc, moving towards her. He stopped a few feet away, though, knowing she wasn’t seeking comfort. “So you made a small mistake. You’re human. It’s allowed. But you also corrected it,” he said.
“I couldn’t get what I needed from Matt, so I used Web, Doc,” she said, turning back to the window.
“What you did doesn’t make you one of those women, the kind you’re comparing yourself to.” Doc knew full well how Kitty felt. She had such pride. It was something he loved about her, but it was also something that often worked against her. Matt liked to kid her that it would someday be her undoing. Doc walked over to where she stood at the window, and turned her to face him again. “Kitty Russell, you’re one of the kindest, most honest and generous women I’ve ever met, not to mention just downright lovely to look at.” He saw amusement touch her eyes, and relaxed a bit. “You need to let that go. Give Web a drink on the house for the rest of his life if it takes that to make you feel better, but let that guilt go. Believe me, Web had a nice evening. You can’t keep feeling bad about that.”
Kitty reached for Doc’s hand. “I appreciate your belief in me, Doc.”
Doc shook his head. “Here I thought you and Matt were finally stable and happy, and I wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore.”
“I thought so, too, Doc. I love that man with everything I have, with everything I am.”
“Still?” asked Doc.
Kitty sighed. “Yes. But he doesn’t love me anymore, Doc. I know it.”
“Tell me how you know it, why you can’t see you could be wrong about this,” said Doc gently, squeezing her hand.
Tears filled her eyes and she looked away. “He hasn’t touched me in three months, Doc. We haven’t made love in three months.” She pulled her hand away and turned her back to Doc. It was her last humiliation.
Doc was at a loss. “Kitty… Kitty, that’s not unusual for a lot of couples.”
“Well, it’s unusual for us, Doc. When Matt’s in town, we have always made love at least three times a week, sometimes four or five, every time we can manage it.” She turned to see the startled look on Doc’s face. Once, she would have laughed at that look. “You didn’t know about that?”
“I knew you were both still… vital,” he said. “And that you both still enjoyed being together physically.”
Kitty smiled in spite of the sad state of her relationship with Matt. Doc had such trouble talking about sex.
No, Doc hadn’t known for sure they still made love that often. Oh, he had suspected it – the physical aspect of their relationship had always been important to them – but they had gotten better at covering that desire over the years. Still, Matt was often found in Kitty’s room when someone in town needed him. There was a time neither of them could deny those looks they gave each other, or cover the lust in both sets of blue eyes. Doc saw it all, and he knew at times it was the sex that had kept them going through all the bad times. He knew that part had always been good between them. A man and a woman with the kind of sexual tension they shared, well, it couldn’t be hidden away completely.
When Doc met Kitty’s eyes, she smiled. “You didn’t know it was still that way between us?”
“I thought it might be, but for most couples it simmers down some as time goes by.”
“It hasn’t for us, Doc, not before… this happened. So now you know the biggest reason of all, Doc – the biggest reason I know he’s turned to another woman.”
“Kitty, couples go through all sorts of stages, and men go through things all on their own…”
“Matt Dillon is as vital in bed today as he’s ever been, Doc. And I enjoy making love with Matt just as much as I always have. Nothing has changed there. If anything, our lovemaking has gotten even better over the years.” Her eyes clouded over. “And if the problem was just sex, Doc, Matt would have felt comfortable making suggestions to me. We’ve always experimented….”
“Okay, Kitty, fine,” said Doc. He didn’t need to hear more about that right now. Kitty had always been able to talk about sex as easily as if she were sharing a pie recipe, at least with him. Doc had been shocked at some of the things she had told him in the past. But even when Doc turned it toward a medical discussion, he wasn’t as comfortable talking about it as Kitty was. It amazed him, and sometimes it amused him. Maybe it was the ex-saloon girl in her, but Kitty didn’t mind a candid conversation. She had probably had many of them with her girls at the Long Branch. But he also knew Kitty sure enjoyed making love with her Cowboy. Kitty had mentioned it to Doc several times over the years. Doc turned away. He felt a blush creep up his neck just thinking about it.
“I’m sorry, Doc.” Kitty realized she had said too much. For a doctor, Doc sometimes shied away from talking about the most basic things.
“Kitty, I’m sure it isn’t the… lovemaking that is the problem here,” said Doc, trying to pull the conversation back to normal talk.
Kitty grinned, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Although, I guess we can never be sure about anything, Doc.”
“That’s right, and don’t you forget what you just said.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You can’t be sure any of this supposition is true,” said Doc.
“Doc…”
“I don’t doubt the facts, Kitty – that he’s not paying you any attention, that he’s staying away from the Long Branch, that he turned down your invitations. But unless and until I hear differently from Matt Dillon himself, I will not believe he’s seeing another woman. That’s not in his nature.”
Kitty nodded, and the moisture returned to her eyes, but this time she didn’t turn away from Doc. “I know.”
“You know?” he asked.
She nodded. “I know it’s not in his nature, but I can’t come to any other conclusion, Doc. This is not like anything we’ve been through together. He’s been busy before, and he’s been sidetracked. He’s taken me for granted, and he’s kept me waiting. For the most part, I’ve gotten used to all that. But this time it’s different.” She swallowed hard. “And because you care about Matt, you refuse to believe the worst. But you haven’t been through the last three months with me, day to day, hurt by hurt. You still believe in him.”
Doc had to turn away this time. The raw hurt in Kitty’s eyes made Doc hurt in a very real way. “What you say is true, Kitty,” he said, not turning to face her. “I do care about Matt, and I do believe in him. But no more than I care for you or believe in you, and you remember that.”
“I know that, Doc,” she whispered.
“Tell me something, Kitty.” He turned back to face her. There was something he had to know. “Can you tell me right now that you honestly don’t believe in Matt anymore?”
Kitty stared back at Doc for some time before answering. “For eighteen years, I’ve had reason to believe in him, Doc. No matter what, I have always been there for him, and with him – through everything. He’s always known I was there, and I felt it mattered. Right now, I feel alone. I feel he’s deserted me.” She blinked back the tears that seemed to come from nowhere these days. “But even with that, I can’t say I don’t believe in him, Doc – not yet. He has to tell me about her first. And he has to tell me he doesn’t love me or need me any longer. Then I’ll know for sure it’s over. I guess I’m waiting for that moment to believe it’s real, too.”
Doc nodded, but the sadness he felt underscored anything positive he could say. If this were any other couple, and Kitty were any other woman, he would understand all this. But this was a couple unlike any other, and he wasn’t going to believe anything Kitty had just told him until he knew for himself it was true. And that would be when Matt Dillon said it was true. That’s what Doc needed to make any of this real for him.
Doc walked over and put his empty glass on the sideboard. He was suddenly spent. He didn’t know where he would find the energy to get back to his bed, but he would find it somewhere.
Kitty had just told him she felt alone.
Doc had never felt more alone in his life than he did right now.
Doc pulled his coat tighter around him and made his way down the street to the marshal’s office. It wasn’t far, but with this wind and rain, and his old bones to boot, he was getting to where he couldn’t take it much at all anymore. He tried to push that thought from his mind – being a doctor meant he didn’t have a choice. He had to go where and when his patients needed him.
Leaving Kitty a few minutes ago had been difficult. He didn’t want to leave her alone with her feeling the way she did, but he couldn’t change any of that for her, and he had to find out the other side of the story. He told himself it was time to head straight back to bed and go talk to Matt in the morning, but his feet hadn’t listened to his brain and he was headed down the street to see Matt.
Doc pushed open the door to the marshal’s office and looked around. “Matt?” He didn’t see anyone, but the door to the jail cells were open. “Matt, are you in there?”
“Doc?” Festus walked out of the first cell and into the main office, pulling his galluses up over his shoulders as he went. “What’re you a-doin’ here at this hour, Doc?”
“Where’s Matt, Festus?”
“Is somethin’ wrong, Doc?”
“No, no, I want to talk to him is all.”
“Well, he ain’t here, Doc. An’ it’s almost the middle of the night. Did ya’ git called out to doctor somebody agin’?” asked Festus.
“No. I just came from the Long Branch. And if it’s so late, what are you doing still up?”
“Well, I had ta’ make the late night rounds Matthew asked me to make while he’s gone, Doc, and I was jist now a-goin’ to lay myself down for some shuteye. I thought you was sa’ blamed tared this mornin’ and here you are still up. Are you off-schedule agin’?”
Doc rubbed his moustache with his hand. It seemed everyone knew when he got “off-schedule” anymore. Kitty had asked him the same thing earlier. Sure he had been off-schedule since this morning – or was it now yesterday morning since he got back to Dodge after his all-night excursion? Doc couldn’t keep up with such things anymore, and it didn’t matter anyway.
“If Matt’s not here, where is he, Festus?”
“He had to go to Hays, but he said this time it wouldn’t take long. Fact is, I thought it was Matthew coming in the door jist now when it was you.”
“I see. What’s he running off to Hays for all the time lately anyway?” asked Doc. Maybe he could at least find out something from Festus.
“Testifying in court cases, Doc. Matthew says he has to testify at the trials of a bunch a cattle rustlers they’ve been a-bringin’ in one at a time. He says it’ll take time to get ‘em all, but the sheriff there and his deputies are a-workin’ on it. Matthew was there when this here gang rustled the biggest head of ‘em between here and Hays about a year back, so he has to go testify whenever they bring another’n in.” Festus started for the stove. “I’ll heat up yesturdy’s coffee fer ya’, Doc,” said Festus.
“Don’t bother, Festus. I’m headed for bed. I haven’t seen Matt around much lately, so I thought I’d check on him,” said Doc, turning for the door. But he stopped, sensing there was something else Festus wanted to say. He turned back. “What is it, Festus?”
Festus was looking at the floor. “Well, Matthew shore ain’t been hisself much lately, Doc. I hope you do talk to him and make him see somethin’s way off.” Festus closed his mouth, but then seemed resolved to add more. “And Miss Kitty….”
“What about Kitty?” asked Doc.
“Well, I think she’s got herself all worried about him, too, Doc.” Festus wanted to add something else, but maybe he would wait until he knew more about what was going on.
Doc didn’t want to get into it with Festus, particularly at this hour. He knew he wouldn’t leave with any more information than he already had, and he sure didn’t feel like talking to Festus about Kitty right now. “I’ll stop back in sometime tomorrow, Festus. You get some sleep yourself.”
“Shore will, Doc. I hope you kin do the same,” said Festus, as Doc left for home.
The night was even colder than it had been a few minutes before, Doc thought, as he headed for his office, and his bed. He wasn’t sure whether it was the temperature or the things he’d been hearing about that chilled him to the bone. Still, he couldn’t believe what Kitty told him. Oh, he knew it made a certain kind of sense, at least it would if it concerned any other man. But Doc still had to hear it from Matt. He would ask Matt directly, and Matt would get mad and tell Doc he was interfering in something that wasn’t his business.
But Doc didn’t see it that way at all. Kitty Russell and her health and well-being was Doc’s business, as was the health and well-being of the town marshal.
And that was all there was to it.
The following morning, Doc had an early cup of coffee in his office while he caught up in his journal. He had doctored four patients in all yesterday, and he had to make sure his notes were up-to-date before it all got away from him. With his mind so sidetracked this morning, it had taken him more time than usual to get all the information down just right. But finally, he slipped the last book back onto the shelf. He had filled up dozens of journals over the years since his time as doctor in Dodge City had first begun. Most of the journals were put away now, at least those that went back more than five years. He kept them all, though. He never knew when he would have to go back and look at something, some symptom someone had, or a remedy he gave someone years ago.
There were four journals pertaining just to the town marshal, three of which were full, but Doc kept all of them close by. The fourth didn’t have too far to go before it was full, too. Doc sighed. He knew every bone in Matt Dillon’s body, where every bullet wound was, where each one had entered his body and exited, and he knew about every scar. He knew why Matt’s slight limp would worsen as the years passed, why the left side of his neck would always be a bit too sensitive right above the collarbone, and he knew why a quarter of Matt Dillon’s fingernail on the third finger of his left hand was missing and would never grow back. He knew everything there was to know about Matt Dillon’s body, but he would never understand a lot of what went on in his mind.
Doc glanced at the last book on the shelf, the one right next to the four that belonged to Matt Dillon. Kitty had graduated to her own journal over a dozen years ago, the first time he had dug a bullet out of her. Being the marshal’s woman was a hazard, and Doc had filled several pages in it already, more than half of it, in fact. Kitty had been kidnapped, beaten, and had even worse done to her over the years. He had pulled three bullets out of her so far, tended to fractured ribs, bruises, and more than that. Not all, but most, was in some way directly linked to her being the marshal’s woman. And yet she never complained, never once said she wouldn’t stay with Matt because of it. In fact, Doc knew she was damned proud of being Matt’s woman. When Kitty left Matt all those times in the past, it wasn’t because she couldn’t take what being his woman did to her, it was that she couldn’t take what wearing that badge did to him. She couldn’t sit right with the idea of losing him to another man’s bullet. She’d told Doc once, though, that she’d discovered living without Matt when he was alive was as hard as she imagined it to be if he were dead. And so, she always came back.
He remembered the day Kitty had come to his office and they had been talking about something, when she suddenly stopped mid-sentence. He was pouring coffee, and when he looked up to see what the trouble was, she was staring at the journal with her name on it. It had never occurred to him to hide it from her, and he never would. Matt knew all about his journals, although they didn’t interest him much. Matt took every day as it came.
“What is it, Kitty?” he’d asked her, knowing what she was looking at, but not what she was thinking.
“It looks like I’ve gone from being an ordinary Dodge City citizen to a more important one, at least in the eyes of the town doctor,” she’d said, with a hint of amusement in her voice.
Doc was happy she was taking it in stride. “Oh, you’re important, all right,” he’d said. “So I figured it was time to give you your own book.”
She had continued to stare at it, and Doc figured it probably was a bit much taking it all in the first time without warning. He hadn’t given it thought from her perspective, but getting her own book meant Doc had treated her enough times to warrant it.
“It helps me to be able to look something up quickly that pertains to you,” he’d told her. He couldn’t read her expression, so he said, “You’re welcome to look at it, Kitty. It’s just your medical history and some notes.”
But Kitty shook her head and turned away. “No thanks, Doc. I’ve lived it. I don’t need to read about it.” Then she went on as though nothing had happened.
Afterward, Doc thought about it and understood more about how she felt. Kitty rarely got sick, so outside of a couple stagecoach accidents, most of those notes were about the other times, times she’d suffered at the hands of someone out to get Matt, or to do harm to what belonged to him. In fact, the more Doc thought about it, the more he felt he should have warned her somehow before putting that journal on the shelf. It hadn’t bothered Matt to see his, but Matt had already lived longer than he’d expected to. Things like that didn’t much matter to Matt. He took things in stride, one day at a time.
But the most important thing of all, and what Doc thought about when his eye went to those journals on his shelf, is that Matt and Kitty had lived through everything Life had thrown at them so far. As long as those journals were sitting there, they were still alive, and proof that goodness and perseverance were important.
Doc shook his head and walked over to fill his mug again. There were no two ways about it – coffee just tasted better when it was in a cup and saucer. Or, maybe it tasted better when Kitty served it to him. Either way, it was better at the Long Branch. He would stop over there later. Maybe. He had to find out what Matt had to say first.
Taking a sip from his mug, Doc looked out his window. Front Street was already full of cowboys, and women walking to the dry goods store do their morning shopping. The dress shop was already busy, and Doc knew Kitty usually had some new dress being made there. She did all right at the Long Branch, and even though Matt rarely noticed when she wore something different, Kitty loved new clothes. Doc understood that. She looked mighty good in them, too.
Doc brushed his moustache with his hand, and turned away from the window. Kitty. What in the world would make her think… but he knew. Kitty was a woman and she needed some attention, although over the years she had done with less of it than most women got from their man. Kitty needed to know Matt still loved her, and that was the long and the short of it.
Doc took out his pocket watch and looked at it. It was nearly 9:00 a.m., and time he paid a visit to the town marshal. He couldn’t put it off anymore. The longer he waited, the more he dreaded it. But he was still as sure as he was yesterday that Matt Dillon wasn’t seeing another woman, and that Matt didn’t love Kitty any less than he ever had. Sure, something wasn’t right – but Doc was going to get to the bottom of it.
Before the day was over, both Matt and Kitty would more than likely be mad at him, but he sure hoped the end of the day would also bring about the truth of what was going on around here. Doc couldn’t take it anymore when things weren’t as they should be. He’d rather they be mad at him for interfering. At least he could sleep nights.
Putting the mug down, Doc pulled on his heavy coat and tugged the collar up around his neck. It was time to get this over with. Doc grabbed his hat and left the office, and started down the street to see Matt Dillon.
The distance between here and there had never been so great.
Doc opened the door to the marshal’s office. Matt was sitting at the table, cleaning his Colt. Some things never changed, and this was what Doc was counting on today.
Matt looked up. “Morning, Doc,” said Matt.
Doc shut the door behind him and shivered. “Morning, Matt,” he said.
“Help yourself to some coffee over there. It’s even somewhat fresh.”
“Thanks, I will,” said Doc. He had already had plenty of coffee this morning, but it gave him something to do. “You got back from Hays last night then?”
“Yeah, well, it was close to morning, but I guess you could say it was last night,” said Matt.
“You want some of this coffee?” asked Doc.
“No thanks, Doc, I’ve had plenty. That’s the second pot.”
Matt seemed just fine to Doc. At least he talked about coffee the same as always, and his voice and manner seemed normal.
“Festus tells me the reason you’ve been out and about a lot in the last few weeks is because of a bunch of court cases in Hays,” said Doc, sipping the coffee and warming his other hand by the stove.
Matt sighed. “Yeah, and I’m getting tired of running back and forth, Doc. I’ve had to testify in six cases in the last month. It shouldn’t take much longer, though. Yesterday, they caught the two men who were in charge of that gang, and it looks like I might have to go back for only one or two more trials. They want to prosecute the rest of them all at once, if they can.”
Doc didn’t know the whole story, but he nodded. Normally, he would ask a bunch of questions about it, but today he just didn’t care. What he did care about was a lot closer to home than what was going on in Hays City.
“So that’s why you’ve been so busy lately,” murmured Doc.
“Well, that, plus a couple of outlaws I’ve been chasing. And I’m getting new Wanted posters in about every day now, rather than a couple of times a week like it’s always been. And on top of that, there is a lot more paperwork to do these days, and I can hardly keep up with it all. And you know how I feel about paperwork!” said Matt.
Doc nodded and sat in the chair opposite Matt. He watched Matt put the Colt back together, knowing it was something Matt could do in his sleep.
“Now why don’t you tell me what this is about, Doc,” said Matt.
“What do you mean?” asked Doc.
Matt gave Doc a look. “What’s the interrogation for, Doc? You’ve never been this interested in my job before now.”
“Oh, I just wondered what all has been happening in your world, Matt…”
“Doc…”
“…to make you completely ignore Kitty.” He took a sip of his coffee. There was no easy way to get into this.
Matt looked at Doc. “Ignore Kitty? What are you talking about, Doc?”
Doc looked Matt in the eye. “You mean you really don’t know?”
“Evidently not. But I’ll tell you one thing, whatever it is, it’s none of your business!” Matt unfolded himself from the chair and shoved his revolver back in the holster on his right hip, then returned the cleaning items to the box he kept them in and slammed the lid shut.
Doc nodded calmly. “One might think it isn’t my business, that’s true, Matt. But I spent an hour with Kitty in her room late last night.”
“Yeah, well, that can be taken more than one way, Doc,” said Matt, as he stalked over to the coffee pot.
“I thought you didn’t want any coffee,” said Doc.
“I don’t! But I need to have something to do to keep my hands busy!”
“Fine, fine,” said Doc calmly. He knew Matt would react this way, but there wasn’t anything Doc could do to make this easier. “Matt, the fact of the matter is something has been bothering you. Now, if what you’ve just told me is everything, why haven’t you shared any of this with Kitty?”
“Doc…”
“Just listen to me a minute, Matt.” Doc waited a moment for Matt to calm down before continuing. “You’ve not been doing your best by her lately, Matt. Now, she is a woman in a million, and I know you know it. She has stood by you through more than any woman would stand by any other ordinary man. But you’ve always shared your troubles with her, kept her a part of your life. That’s all she needs. Kitty isn’t greedy. She knows you need your space, and she’s always given you that, just as you’ve given it to her. She’s always been there for you, Matt, no matter what. All she asks for in return is to feel she’s a part of your life. And lately, well… lately, you haven’t been sharing your life with her.”
Doc gave Matt time to consider his words. Matt was standing near the stove, staring into his coffee mug.
“You haven’t been talking to her, Matt. You haven’t been telling her your troubles, or what they mean to you. She told me she has hardly seen you in weeks.”
“We’ve gone through long periods of not seeing each other before, Doc,” said Matt softly.
“But not when you and she are both in town, Matt! And she said when she does see you, you’re in some other world, staring off into space.”
“There’s just been so much lately, Doc. I can barely keep up with it.” Matt sighed. “Rather than bother Kitty with it, I’ve tried to push it away. It’s been a bit overwhelming is all.” He looked out the window onto Front Street. “Trying to keep up with what’s been happening in Hays, in Dodge, and all this paperwork….”
“I understand, Matt, I do. We all get overwhelmed sometimes.”
“Yeah, well, I used to be able to handle it a whole lot better, Doc. I don’t know… I guess as time goes by I’m just getting old, and things are getting harder to manage.”
Doc looked into his coffee cup. There was that word again. “Well, imagine how Kitty feels. She told me she’s getting older, too.”
“We all are, Doc. We all are. And it’s all right as long as we can keep up with everything!”
“Well it’s different for a woman, Matt. She starts questioning all kinds of things.”
“What are you talking about, Doc?” Matt walked back over to the table.
Doc took a deep breath. He finally had Matt’s attention. “Kitty says she’s asked you out on several dates in the last few weeks, but you refused her each time.”
“I didn’t ‘refuse’ her, Doc! I told her I couldn’t do it, not then, not when she asked me. I was just too busy.”
Doc nodded. “But what did you tell her?”
“What do you think I told her? I told her I was too busy, Doc!” Matt moved away, back to the window again, and looked out.
Doc knew Matt was feeling closed in, captured and made to have this conversation. And he didn’t like it when Doc interfered, true, but that was just too bad.
Doc also knew he was the only one who could get away with interrogating Matt like this. He wasn’t sure how it would come out in the end, but it needed to be done.
Matt turned. “Look, Doc, I don’t know why Kitty even mentioned any of this to you, and I don’t know what business it is of yours, but Kitty should have talked to me about it, not you!”
Doc pushed his chair back and casually crossed his legs. He looked across the room at Matt. “She didn’t want to tell me about any of this, Matt. I had to drag it out of her. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere until she told me everything.” He took a sip of his coffee. At least it was hot. “I was prepared to sleep on the floor, if I had to.”
Matt muttered something Doc didn’t understand, but at least he was listening.
“She says she has tried to talk to you, Matt, several times in fact, but you have ignored her, rebuffed her, walked out on her, refused her.”
“Doc, I would never treat Kitty…”
“Matt, she can’t get through to you. She can’t even get your attention. She says you have Festus check on the Long Branch during rounds, which is something you’ve never trusted anyone else to do. She hardly sees you anymore.”
“I look in at the Long Branch, Doc. I check on it, and on Kitty. She just doesn’t always know about it.”
“Why doesn’t she?” asked Doc.
“Why doesn’t she what, Doc?” asked Matt.
“Why doesn’t she know you check on her well-being? Maybe that’s all it would take to make her feel things are all right.”
Matt sighed. But it was another minute before he could answer. “It’s true, Doc. I’ve asked Festus to check on the Long Branch during rounds. And I haven’t had much extra time to stop in to have a drink with her. And you’re right that I haven’t been much company, or shared any of this with Kitty, Doc. I just… it just got to be too much, and it was… like I said, overwhelming. It seemed easier to get on with things and maybe everything would get better, settle down.”
“Why didn’t you want her to know you’ve been feeling this way, Matt?” asked Doc gently.
“Why is it you and Kitty always want to talk about feelings anyway, Doc! Maybe this has more to do with actual work than it has to do with my feelings about the work!”
Doc shook his head. Matt didn’t want to let go of his frustration with Doc, but that was okay. He would eventually. “No, I don’t think so, Matt,” said Doc.
“Doc…”
“No, I think you being the kind of man you are, it’s just pride, Matt. You didn’t want to admit to Kitty that something’s overwhelming you – especially not something to do with your job. This is all new for you, and it’s… well, it’s frightening in its own way and maybe you’ve needed time to think about it, Matt. That’s fine. I can understand that – but it’s not something you should have kept from Kitty, not this long.”
“I’ve not been ‘keeping it from Kitty,’ Doc,” said Matt. “I just didn’t want to talk about it! Sometimes a man needs time to himself to think!” He took a deep breath and put down his coffee cup. Finally, he took another breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “But you’re right that I’ve been questioning my own ability to do my job,” he finished softly. Then he started to pace again. “And I’m still questioning it, Doc. I keep thinking when all this business is finished in Hays and I can just concentrate on Dodge again, I’ll feel better about it, and things will get back to normal.”
“And maybe that is all it’ll take, Matt. It’s okay to tell Kitty that. She’ll not think any less of you, you know that.”
“Yeah, but I’ve been thinking less of me, Doc.”
Doc was quiet. There it was, the reason for all this. It was hard for any man to admit his failings, but Matt Dillon was a proud man, one of the proudest Doc had ever known, and a good marshal on top of that. “You know you can tell Kitty anything,” said Doc. “Nothing shocks her or surprises her, and she would offer to help you in any way she could.”
Matt nodded. He knew nothing surprised Kitty. He also knew she wouldn’t think any less of him or love him less, no matter what. “I couldn’t tell her about it, Doc. You’re the first person I’ve told, and I’m not happy about telling you.”
“You think people close to you can’t see that something’s the matter, Matt? Even Festus knows something isn’t right. And Sam…”
“Sam will protect Kitty,” said Matt. “No matter what, Doc, Sam watches over Kitty.” That was something Matt knew he could always count on.
Doc softened his tone even more. “That’s true, Matt. Thank God Sam watches out for her. I watch out for her, too, and so does Festus and Newly… and a whole lot more people than you probably realize. We all love Kitty and care about her, and even though we know she’s awful good at taking care of herself when she needs to, we like to know she’s not wanting for anything. But you know, none of that matters to Kitty. She only cares about you, Matt, and how she fits into your life. She needs to know when it all comes down to it, you’re still her man, and she’s still your woman. That’s all she needs, all she’s needed for the last eighteen or so years. You know that. But do you think she’s had faith in that lately?”
“She knows how I feel about her, Doc. Nothing has changed,” said Matt. Matt sat on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms. But he looked at his feet.
“When’s the last time you told her you love her, Matt?” asked Doc.
Matt stood and started pacing again. “See, Doc, now that is none of your business! That is between me and Kitty.”
Doc nodded, thoughtfully. “Maybe so. But you think about how long it’s been Matt, and ask yourself if it’s time to maybe mention it to her again.”
“I don’t think telling a woman you love her every day is necessary, Doc!”
“Oh, probably not, and I wouldn’t expect you to have to do that, not with Kitty. But if it’s been awhile, Matt, you might want to give it some thought. Women need a little attention every now and then,” Doc said softly. “Even Kitty.”
Matt was quiet for a moment, but then he suddenly turned to Doc. “What is it you’re not saying, Doc?”
“What?”
“There’s something else behind all this. What is it?” asked Matt.
Doc sighed.
“Now, I’ve listened to all this talk, Doc, but there’s something else you’re not telling me. And since you’re so determined we get all this out in the open, I want to know what it is.”
Doc took a breath and looked Matt in the eye. “Kitty thinks you’re seeing another woman, Matt.”
Matt looked across the room at Doc in astonishment. “Another woman? What in the …!”
“In Hays, maybe. Not here in Dodge.”
“Doc, I can’t seem to pay enough attention to the one I’ve got! Why the devil would I want another one?”
Doc was more relieved than he would ever have guessed at Matt’s reaction. This was the Matt Dillon he knew, the one who was true to his one and only woman. He looked down at his coffee cup so Matt wouldn’t see the grin that had appeared on his face. “I know, Matt,” Doc said, as sullenly as he could manage. “I know. But women are… well, women…”
Matt moved around the room and ran his fingers through his hair again. “Yeah, women.” Matt took a long, deep breath and stopped near his desk, with his back to Doc. “There’s no one else, Doc. There’ll never be anyone else for me but Kitty. You know that.”
“I do, Matt, I do.”
“Kitty knows that, too,” said Matt.
Doc thought about his answer. “Matt, just imagine, if I need to be reminded of it from time to time, don’t you think Kitty does?”
Matt turned to Doc and opened his mouth. But then he shut it again and sat back down on his desk. He closed his eyes. As overwhelmed as he was with everything else, he thought the one place things were fine was with Kitty. That part of his life was good, and had been for a long time. But as Doc’s words echoed in his mind, he began to see things from Kitty’s point of view. It was true he hadn’t talked about any of this with her. He thought he could keep that part of his life with Kitty in a separate, safe, place. Matt Dillon never considered the fact that his life with Kitty was directly related to his life upholding the law. She was supposed to be in a different compartment in his life, protected. But looking back, he had always included her in his business, told her about his job. He had always told her of his problems and the situations he came across in his line of work. He’d even asked for her help on many occasions.
So, what was the difference between then and now? Realization flashed into Matt’s eyes, and he stood and paced the space in front of his desk. He rubbed his face, then went over to the water basin and threw water on his face and neck. Toweling the water off, he went back to his desk. But he was too bothered by everything he had just heard, and frustrated with what he was thinking about now, to sit, so he threw the towel on his desk and paced some more.
Doc watched it all calmly. He knew this was Matt’s way when he had to think things through, especially things that mattered, and most especially when he hadn’t been on top of something.
Matt thought about how he had been sending Festus to check on Kitty and the Long Branch. It wasn’t Festus’s job, it was Matt’s. He told himself he did it to take some of the strain off his mind, but the truth was he couldn’t face Kitty. He couldn’t let her know he was feeling overwhelmed. Doc was right – Matt was a proud man, and he didn’t want Kitty to know he was suddenly having trouble keeping up with the demands of his job. The honest truth of it was Matt had spent a lot of time lately feeling weak, like less of a man – and that wasn’t something that set well with Matt Dillon. Feeling like less of a man at his job also made him feel he was being less of a man to Kitty. And it hurt his pride to admit that to himself, let alone to her.
Matt had never planned to live this long. He knew it, Kitty knew it, and Doc knew it. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to. Maybe this is what happened when a lawman lived past his prime.
But not sharing the problems of these last weeks with Kitty had made her question the kind of man he was, and whether she was all he needed. And when it came down to it, having her be sure of him was more important than his hurt pride. Matt liked to kid Kitty that her pride would someday be her undoing. Maybe it would be his undoing instead – if he didn’t do something about it first.
Matt was suddenly aware of Doc still sitting across the way, calmly drinking his coffee.
“Doc…” Matt took a deep breath. “Doc, I haven’t been doing a very good job of taking care of things at home.”
“No, no you haven’t, Matt. But you’re human. It’s allowed.”
“No, I’ve been wrong, Doc. All Kitty wants is to be a part of my life. All those other things she used to want… she knew I couldn’t give them to her. And over time, we’ve come to an understanding – one I’ve trusted to always stay strong, and be in place. But I’ve let her down this time, and I can’t lose her now, Doc.”
“No one said anything about you losing her, Matt. It’s not too late. You know Kitty. You just need to tell her what you’ve told me,” said Doc.
Matt shook his head. “Kitty’s gotten mad at me for a lot of things over the years, Doc, but she’s always let me know it. This time she’s been quiet about it – which can’t be easy for a redhead.”
Doc smiled into his coffee cup. Both he and Matt knew what a redhead’s temper was like, especially this particular redhead.
“She’s not mad, Matt. She told me that. She’s not mad at you. But she’s hurt, and she thinks she’s the one who’s lost you. She thinks you’ve been going to Hays to see another woman.”
Matt started pacing again. “Kitty knows better than to think I would want another woman, Doc. We’ve… well, we’ve settled into something that’s the best it’s ever been. There’s no one else like her. In fact, every other woman I meet just makes me want to get home to Kitty all the more.”
Doc nodded. “Other women make me appreciate her more, too, Matt. And Kitty even admitted to me she knows you better than to believe you’re seeing another woman – but it was the only conclusion she could come up with.” He paused. “This feeling she’s lost you isn’t really about you, though, Matt. It’s about her.”
“I don’t understand, Doc,” said Matt. He was becoming more and more frustrated with all this talk.
Doc watched Matt closely. “Matt, Kitty’s gotten older, too, and she is blaming herself for not being, well, young enough to keep another woman from taking you away from her.”
Matt looked at Doc for a long moment, then shook his head. “I just don’t understand all this, Doc.”
“You told me the fact you’re getting older is bothering you, Matt. That’s what it boils down to. Now how do you think getting older is affecting Kitty? Women are afraid of that, Matt, even Kitty. She thinks she hasn’t been enough for you. She has been blaming herself for letting you get away.”
Matt started to pace again. “Doc, I know for a fact there are as many men interested in Kitty now as there ever have been.”
“Oh you’ve noticed, have you?” asked Doc. But he’d said that for effect only. He wanted Matt to think about it sometime.
When Matt turned to make a comment, Doc continued. “I know Kitty is still attractive to other men, and you know that, but Kitty doesn’t care about that. She just cares about how you see her, Matt. And you’ve not been making her feel like a… well, like a woman lately. And certainly not like your woman.”
Matt stopped to stare at Doc. “But that’s just plain crazy, Doc! Kitty is… well… she’s the kindest person there is, as long as you don’t cross her. She’s smart, she’s still the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen, and the best lover a man could ever want… Doc, she can make a man feel…”
“I’m sure she can, Matt,” said Doc. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear any more about Kitty making love to Matt. He was even more surprised that Matt Dillon had mentioned it.
But Matt didn’t notice Doc had cut him off. “She’s special. There’s no one like her, Doc,” he said softly.
“I know that, Matt.”
“She puts everyone else first, and you know she’s always put me first, even the times I’ve not deserved it.”
“I know that, too, Matt,” said Doc. He would let Matt think through whatever he needed to.
When Matt started to pace again, and didn’t say more, Doc said, “She says you haven’t made love to her in three months.”
Matt stopped. “Well, you and Kitty sure covered a lot of ground in her room last night, didn’t you, Doc!”
Doc shrugged. “It was the last thing I was able to drag out of her before I left her, Matt,” said Doc.
Matt turned his back to Doc and thought some more. Had it really been three months? Three months? Where had the time gone? He and Kitty had never gone three months before… well, there were a couple of times when he had been away trying to capture some outlaw or another, but that hadn’t happened in a long time.
Suddenly, Matt understood just how long he had been caught up in his own problems, and waiting for things to get better. This was not how he did things at all. He had to turn this around and talk to Kitty. He knew there were times when she had slow months at the Long Branch and it worried her, and he had also known her to be so busy some months she could hardly get a breath. But she never complained, and she got through them all. He even remembered once when he asked her how she was holding up (he couldn’t remember if it was a busy month or a slow one), she had smiled tiredly at him and said everything was suddenly all right. She had poured them both a drink and looked at him in that way she had that told him he was everything to her. They had also ended up making love that night….
Matt realized how much he missed her. All of a sudden, he missed Kitty something awful. He always knew she was there, and he depended on that. He hadn’t realized how long he had been fighting this battle he thought he’d been losing in everyday life – the mail, the paperwork, having to go to Hays so often, on top of all the everyday things like breaking up fights, and things he couldn’t even remember right now. But he hadn’t let in the one person who could have made a difference, who always made a difference. This woman who gave so much never asked for a lot in return – just an occasional acknowledgment, a touch, a word. And he hadn’t taken care of her.
While he still thought Kitty should know better than to think any other woman could catch his eye, he also realized he hadn’t been doing his job where she was concerned, either. He couldn’t blame her if she doubted him. They needed to give to each other, be there for each other, and help each other through all the difficult times. They had always done that, but he had failed her this time.
Matt Dillon headed for the door and grabbed his hat from the hook beside it.
“Where are you going, Matt” asked Doc, rising.
“To see Kitty.”
“Well, you can’t tell her I told you about…”
“It’ll just be between the three of us, Doc,” said Matt as he opened the door and left for the Long Branch.
Doc brushed his moustache with his hand. Oh, well. He did what he had to do, and Kitty could just be mad at him if she wanted to. At least Doc was getting all this sorted out and in the open, thank God. And he had watched the realization dawn in Matt’s eyes. Now Matt would go over there and take care of all Kitty’s doubts. He would let her know everything was all right.
In fact, Doc wanted to see that happen. He put on his coat and hat, and left Matt’s office for the Long Branch. As he walked down the street, he pulled his collar up against the wind. He would sure be glad when things were back to the way they oughta be and he wouldn’t have to run around in this terrible weather so much.
More than anything else, though, he just wanted a decent night’s sleep.
Matt Dillon walked into the Long Branch. No one was about except Sam, who was unpacking some whiskey glasses behind the bar. But it was early. The Long Branch hadn’t been open long.
“Sam, Kitty around?” asked Matt.
Sam looked up. “She just took something to her office, marshal, but she’ll be right back.”
“I need to see her,” said Matt, starting for Kitty’s office. Doc came into the saloon and walked quietly over to where Sam stood at the bar. Doc didn’t want to intrude, but he wouldn’t miss this for the world.
Just then, the door marked PRIVATE opened and Kitty came out. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Matt, but closed the door behind her calmly and took a deep breath. She took a couple of steps toward him.
“Well. Hello Matt. Can I get you some coffee, or a beer?” she said in an even, if forced, voice.
Matt stopped a couple of feet from her, but he could see the flash of fear in her eyes, and he knew everything Doc had just told him was true. Kitty really thought he could walk away from her. She thought he could leave her behind after all they’d been through together. That fear existed because he hadn’t been doing right by her.
Matt closed the distance between them, took her by the shoulders, and looked deep into her eyes. “Kitty, we need to talk.” The pain he saw there shook him to his core, and Matt didn’t shake easily. He was the cause of it. And even though they had never needed many words to communicate, this time they needed a few more of them. He had to explain himself to her. He had to overcome his stubborn pride and admit to Kitty he hadn’t felt like much of a marshal, or a man, lately. Matt knew Doc was right that Kitty wouldn’t think less of him, but more than anything else, he knew Kitty understood all about pride.
“Kitty, you can have your doubts about me for a lot of things, and I know there are times I disappoint you. But never doubt that you are the only woman for me,” he said softly. “I still need you, Kitty. I still need you.” He looked deeper into her eyes, and felt the wall she had put up between them disintegrate. The questions in her eyes began to disappear. They had always been able to talk to each other this way first, and he was relieved to see she still understood him. Matt was a man of few words, and he’d never been able to change that, as aggravating as he knew it was to Kitty. She had tried to accept it for eighteen years, and she had gotten as good at understanding it as anyone could, but this time he had failed her.
Kitty’s eyes filled with tears. One fell onto her cheek and Matt gently wiped it away with his thumb. As he pulled her close and held her, Festus ran into the Long Branch, looking for Matt.
“Matthew!”
Matt pulled back when he heard the alarm in Festus’s voice.
“Matthew!” Festus saw Matt across the way. “Matthew! There’s trouble at Ma Smalley’s. That there cowboy I told ya’ about last night when you come in from Hays is causin’ a ruckus!”
Matt took a deep breath and looked at Kitty.
“Go,” she whispered.
“Kitty…”
“Go,” she said, more firmly this time.
The look on her face, and the love he saw in her eyes, told Matt everything he needed to know. He hadn’t lost her. He would explain, and then do whatever it took to make things right with her.
“I need to tell you some things when I get back,” he said.
“I’ll be here,” she said softly.
Kitty smiled at him the way she always smiled at him, and his heart melted. He thought about how it had been a long time since he’d felt this good, and that Kitty was the only woman who had ever been able to make him feel this way.
Matt took off after Festus, turning back at the batwing doors to take a last look at Kitty before he disappeared outside. He grinned when she waved him on.
Doc drifted toward the doors, but didn’t quite make it in time.
“Oh no you don’t, Curly,” said Kitty, from where she still stood.
Doc turned. He had to find some reason to get out of here. He noticed Sam had quietly started back to work and looked very busy all of a sudden. “Kitty, …now, I know how this seems to you…”
“How about some coffee?” she asked in her sweetest voice.
“Well…” Doc had already had more than enough coffee. But he looked at the special woman across the room, and he just couldn’t resist her, especially since her expression told him she wasn’t mad. “In a cup and saucer?” he asked, his eyes twinkling.
“Is there any other way?” She grinned at him and headed toward their favorite table.
Doc brushed his moustache with his hand. Kitty’s voice was no longer strained the way it had been last night. This was the Kitty he knew and appreciated, and he could tell she was going to let him off the hook. That was good, because he was too tired to fight with her. It was hard to win against a redhead anyway, especially this one.
“Sam,” said Kitty, as she passed by him, but Sam was already getting the coffee tray ready.
Doc took off his coat and hat, and he and Kitty sat at the table together, as they did most mornings.
Sam left the tray on the table, and Kitty poured the coffee and handed Doc a cup and saucer.
As he took his first sip, Doc thought about how special mornings were in the Long Branch, sitting with Kitty just like this. And her coffee was always better than anyone else’s. Of course, today he would probably float out. He’d had enough coffee for two or three mornings, but that was all right. Kitty wasn’t going to be mad at him for talking to Matt about all those things she had confided in him. He would drink a little extra coffee to celebrate things heading back in the right direction. He had watched Matt earlier, and saw the way he looked at Kitty before he left with Festus. Yes, that look said a lot. Matt Dillon was as in love with Kitty Russell as he’d ever been.
It looked like that eighteen-year non-permanent relationship wasn’t finished yet.
Doc took a breath and tugged at his ear. “So, I take it you’re not mad at me for beating up Matt a little bit, Kitty?” asked Doc. They had to clear the air, even if she was making it easier for him.
“Is that what you did, Doc?” she asked.
“Well, in a manner of speaking,” said Doc.
“Hmmm, then maybe that’s what he needs every now and then.”
“Not from me, Kitty. I’m worn out. I’m too old for this,” said Doc, brushing his moustache.
“Too old, did you say?” asked Kitty. “Too old?”
Doc realized too late that he had fallen into the trap.
“Kitty I’m allowed. I’m a whole lot older than both you and Matt, so you can just… cut me a little slack,” said Doc.
“No way, Doc,” she said, shaking her head. “You do not get to use that excuse if I can’t.”
Doc remembered Matt using it, too, but that was part of Matt’s story to tell when he talked to Kitty later.
“Matt just looked at me in a way he hasn’t in a long time, Doc. And I owe that to you,” she said softly.
“Not at all. I told you nothing has changed for Matt, Kitty,” he said. “All I did was light a fire under him, which he needs occasionally. But he’ll tell you all about it.”
She nodded. “Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.” She sighed with relief.
Doc knew she was telling herself that more than him.
“Things are just fine, Sweetheart,” said Doc, reaching over to squeeze her hand. “You betcha.” He stood. “And now, young lady, I have to head home and lie down awhile. You know how I get when I’m off-schedule.” He grinned at her, and she chuckled. “You and Matt have kept me up for the better part of two days, and I can’t go that long anymore without some serious sleep.” He put on his coat and hat.
“I think I can speak for both us when I say we didn’t intend to keep you up, Doc,” said Kitty, with a lilt in her voice that meant the world to Doc to hear it again.
“When things aren’t right in Dodge City, I can’t sleep anymore, Kitty, and that’s just the way it is.”
She shook her head and grinned. “Well, now that’s sad, Doc, because things are often out of whack around here.”
Doc didn’t bother to mention that, in his opinion, things weren’t right in Dodge City only when she and the marshal weren’t getting along. Not much else mattered to him anymore.
“Thanks for the coffee,” said Doc. He winked at Kitty and headed for the doors, pulling up his collar as he went.
Doc Adams was home and in bed within half an hour, and as he drifted off to sleep he remembered the way Matt looked at Kitty before leaving with Festus, and the look on Kitty’s face as she watched her man go.
They would be just fine. Still.
That day, Doc Adams slept with a smile on his face, and rested better than he had in weeks.
The End
Gunsmoke. M/K, with a good helping of Doc. PG-13.
This would take place sometime in Season 19, just prior to The Disciple.
NOTES:
I love angst, and I sometimes write in multiple POVs so it’s more cinematic.
I do not write the dialect for the characters, because we all know how they sound, and written dialect often makes a story harder to read. (The only exception is Festus’s dialect, because he is so eclectic.)
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Kitty took a sip of her coffee and stared into space near the batwing doors across the room. She had been working on an order for her usual whiskey vendor for over an hour, but couldn’t concentrate on it. This should have taken her half an hour at the most. It was something she could do in her sleep most weeks. She sighed. Concentrating on anything took a great deal of effort lately.
A sudden chill made Kitty pull her shawl tighter around her shoulders. She reached for the coffee pot, but Sam was suddenly at her elbow refilling her cup for her. She chuckled. “Thank you, Sam. You know, between you and Doc, I’m getting so spoiled I won’t ever leave Dodge City again, even for a visit. I’d never be able to take care of myself.”
“Now that’s not true, Miss Kitty,” said Sam. “You can take care of yourself better than any woman I’ve ever known.”
Kitty looked at him. “Really? Better than any you’ve known?”
Sam nodded. “You bet, Miss Kitty. That’s why it’s okay if you’re spoiled a little bit now and then. It kind of evens things out.”
Kitty grinned. “I’m not sure I understand that reasoning, Sam, but I’ll take it. Sometimes it’s nice to be waited on.”
Sam smiled at her and nodded, then went on his way to polish the brass rail on the front of the bar. Sometimes Kitty didn’t know why he even bothered. It sure didn’t take long for the cowboys who moseyed up to the bar to dirty it up. But Sam was a proud man, and he took care of the Long Branch like it was his own.
Looking away, Kitty thought about how she knew several proud men around this town.
In fact, she had a lot of pride herself, sometimes too much. And sometimes it got her into trouble. Matt often smiled when she got riled about something that brought out her stubbornness or hurt her pride, which then made her lash out at him. But it never lasted long. Matt would tell her again that she was just too proud about some things and someday it would be her undoing. She smiled when she thought about him saying that. He would say it in that know-it-all voice, and then grin at her. And there would be a hint of flirtation underneath it all. Kitty knew that he secretly loved it that she was such a proud woman. Fact was, he was a damn proud man himself. A stab of pain hit her heart. She shook her head and tried to think about something else, but once she got to thinking about Matt, it was hard to take her mind off him.
Kitty was proud of her saloon and her reputation across the west, too – well, this side of the west, at any rate – and she was proud to be the marshal’s woman. Kitty knew in her heart that her pride in being Matt’s woman made her a better person. She strived to be a woman he would be proud of anywhere, and at any time. After all, in a very real way, she represented him. And she would never allow herself to be less of a woman than he was a man, no matter how high he had set that bar.
But very soon, none of that would matter anyway.
Tears suddenly burned at the corner of her eyes, so she pushed all thoughts out of her head except how much whiskey she had in the back storeroom, and how much she needed to order. After a few calculations and corrections (where had her head been?), she completed the order and put it into an envelope for Sam to give to the vendor. She hoped she wasn’t ordering too much, but it was nearly herding season, and the weekends were already getting busier.
The doors opened in front, and Kitty glanced up. Doc came through, carrying his medical bag and pulling his coat tighter around him. Kitty could tell immediately that he had been out all night. She worried about him, moreso all the time. Doc wasn’t getting any younger. Well, none of them were. Her eyes teared up again and she looked down and blinked them away quickly.
“Hello, Kitty,” said Doc.
“Good morning, Doc. Pull up a chair,” she said, not meeting his eyes, but taking a cup and saucer and pouring Doc some coffee. Like her, Doc preferred the cup and saucer to a mug. There was just something more proper about it, and Doc was the only man in town who would appreciate that. Besides, while it was true that tea always tasted better when using fine china, Kitty also thought coffee tasted better, as well.
“It’s brutal out there this morning, just brutal,” said Doc, sitting.
“You look like you’ve been up all night,” she said.
Doc nodded and took a sip of his coffee. “Oh, that’s good.”
“Well, thank you.”
“I have been looking forward to this for the past couple of hours,” he said.
“Sometimes a hot cup of coffee can do wonders,” she said.
“No, I mean this – all of this. Sitting here with you in the Long Branch in the morning, with a good cup of coffee. No distractions, no one to bother us. Just you and me, Kitty, catching up on the past twenty-four hours or so. And Sam, wandering around taking care of things. These are some of my most favorite times.” He shook his head and sipped his coffee, and sighed contentedly.
Kitty’s eyes filled with tears yet again. These were some of her favorite times, too – gossiping with Doc in the mornings and enjoying her time with him, knowing the town marshal would stop in a little while later. She would pour Matt coffee, too, and they would smile at each other and flirt. And if he had stayed the night with her and left at dawn to make his rounds, both their eyes would still reflect the intimacy of the night before.
But it had certainly been awhile since that had happened.
She couldn’t stop the tears from filling her eyes, so she looked down into her coffee cup.
Everything got to her lately. Doc was getting older, and yet he still enjoyed all the things that really mattered. Kitty tried never to take their morning gossip over coffee for granted. One day, for one reason or another, things would change. It was inevitable.
In fact, things were changing now, and she didn’t know how much longer she could go on like this, pretending they were the same as always. She had been pretty good at pretending lately, but last night she had finally allowed herself to take a long, hard look at how things were. Now, there was no going back.
“Kitty?”
Kitty blinked away the moisture in her eyes and glanced up at Doc. He was looking at her with concern.
“You okay?” he asked.
She nodded. “I’m fine, Doc.”
“Well, you don’t look fine. In fact, you look a little pale this morning. Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”
Kitty nodded again. “Yes, I’m just… tired.”
“Tired? Did you get to bed late again?” he asked.
Kitty really hadn’t, not last night. But she nodded. She didn’t want to think about it right now. And she didn’t have any fresh excuses to give Doc. No matter what she said, he would see through any excuse she gave him anyway. Doc knew her too well. She wouldn’t be able to get away with a lie, and probably not even a half truth. She smiled wryly. She could play poker with the best of them and never give away her hand, but Doc could read her like a book. Good thing she never played poker with him.
“Kitty?” Doc’s concern was evident.
“I’m sorry, Doc. My mind was wandering,” she said.
“Kitty, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing…” she said, searching for some flimsy excuse Doc would buy, even for a little while.
“Now, I know you better than that, young lady!”
Kitty chuckled, but it was forced. “Doc, you haven’t called me that in a long time! And you know, I’m not that young anymore.” Her voice nearly broke on that last part.
Doc looked at her some more. Something wasn’t right. “Well, you are to me, and you always will be.”
Kitty smiled at Doc fondly. But she suddenly felt a stab of pain in her heart and looked away. She realized she was becoming more and more sentimental lately, and of course she knew why, but it wasn’t something she could explain to Doc, not now. She had to decide what to do, and then she would inform him. That’s the way it had to be.
‘Kitty,…” Doc began.
Kitty stood. “Doc, I have an awful lot of work to do this morning. I’ll see you later.”
She touched his shoulder briefly, and then left the saloon through the door marked PRIVATE that led to her office, leaving a perplexed Doc sitting alone with his coffee cup.
After shutting her office door, Kitty leaned against it. Her heart was beating fast. She had to make up her mind about what to do, and quickly. She wasn’t able to pretend to Doc that things were okay. He could read her too well, and she didn’t need him asking her more questions. The answers were made up of things she wasn’t ready to talk about.
Kitty sat at her desk and opened her book with the overview of yesterday’s business. Today, she had to work on her ledger. She had to hold herself accountable. Just because her life was falling apart, that didn’t mean she could be slack with her business. A saloon didn’t run itself. She had to eat, and she had to make sure she had enough money for the next part of her life, whatever that would be.
After she finished with the ledger, she would go upstairs and do some thinking.
Tears came to her eyes again, and it was becoming more than annoying. Kitty prided herself on being strong-willed and self-sufficient. But everything that made up Kitty Russell also depended on the man who meant everything to her, and things had changed. She wiped the tears away quickly and stood. She paced her office, trying to focus, trying to talk some sense into herself. But as she looked around, she couldn’t help remembering various locations in this very room where he’d held her, kissed her, told her he loved her. He didn’t say the words often, especially outside the bedroom, but when he did, it was special.
Sitting again at her desk, Kitty realized that when it was all said and done, she would have to leave Dodge City, there was no question about it. After eighteen years, there was barely a square foot of space in this entire town where she didn’t have a memory associated with Matt Dillon.
Well, that was it, then. She took a deep breath. She would sell the Long Branch and move on. At least one thing was settled.
Suddenly, Kitty realized she hadn’t even asked Doc about the emergency that had kept him out of town all night. She always asked Doc about his day – or his night, when he’d been called away. She sighed. Not only would Doc notice she hadn’t asked, but she felt just awful about it. Even though her relationship with a certain marshal was falling apart, she couldn’t allow herself to treat her friends differently. And Doc was her best friend.
Doc Adams sat for several minutes, finishing his coffee. Kitty had left rather abruptly, which was her way when she didn’t want to talk about something that had hit her particularly hard. But it had been a long time since she had reacted like this, and it had only happened a few times in the last eighteen years. Every other time, Doc had known what the problem was and why she didn’t want to talk about it. It always had to do with Matt Dillon, of course, and his lack of attention to her, or his cancellation of their plans, which had certainly happened a lot over the years. But it had also been a long time since Kitty had gotten upset over something like that, and even longer since she didn’t want to discuss it with Doc.
Chances were, today’s distraction also concerned Matt Dillon. Some things didn’t change. Doc wondered what Matt did or didn’t do this time. It had to be something bad for Kitty to be so single-minded that she hadn’t even asked what his out-of-town emergency had been last night. And, Kitty wasn’t the young and impetuous woman she used to be. She had grown into a mature, settled, and still beautiful woman, who had become very accustomed to the marshal’s frequent trips out of town, his blatant inattentions and his lack of regard to detail, such as realizing she was wearing a new dress or hat. Over the years, Kitty had become so accustomed to this, in fact, that Doc was sure whatever had upset her was much more important than missing a picnic.
It had taken time and several rocky moments, but Kitty and Matt had settled into a lovely relationship based solidly in trust and love for each other. They were used to being apart, which made them appreciate the time they had together even more. Matt still lived each day knowing a bullet could take him from Kitty in a split-second, and Kitty lived each day trying not to think about that. Doc had watched Matt over the years, seen him mature and finally learn something about how to keep his woman satisfied – and Kitty wasn’t always the easiest to appease if she got her feathers ruffled. Matt complimented Kitty a little more often than he used to, and he paid her more attention. Doc secretly thought Matt finally understand more about what Kitty had given up to be with him. Also, Doc noticed the more Matt was around other women, the more he seemed to appreciate what he had waiting for him at home. Kitty was special. Oh, Matt had always known it, but he had spent so many years focusing on upholding the law and cleaning up Dodge City that he hadn’t thought about it as much as he should have. At least, that was Doc’s opinion on the matter. But after eighteen years of Matt upholding the law, Dodge was pretty settled, and it was a whole lot safer than it was before Matt came to town. Matt had already lived far longer than he thought he would when he first pinned on the badge, and he was more comfortable these days, at least as much as possible for a marshal with a great big job to do. Doc also watched Matt when a man paid a little too much attention to Kitty. Matt had never been one for jealousy, but as time went by, Doc saw him look at those other men a little more closely – oh, not the cowboys or rustlers, or others who happened into the Long Branch for a good time. Matt watched the others – the men who could potentially prove interesting to Kitty and who might have something to offer her. Doc thought it was good for Matt to see that. It made him pay a little closer attention to Kitty himself.
But Kitty was also more settled. She knew her own mind better than ever. And although men were still attracted to her and wanted her, she continued to show them no mind. Kitty had found out over the years that no matter how much she told herself she could leave Matt if she ever decided to, it just wasn’t true. She had tried, more than once, but she always came back. She had also tried giving her heart to other men over the years, but none had compared to Matt Dillon. No matter how much she told herself she could love a lesser man, or a different one, she never could. She always came back to Matt, and even with his imperfections and the fact that she would always be second in his life next to that badge, he was worth it to Kitty. Matt Dillon was a good man, and Kitty loved him more than life itself.
One good thing that came with age was understanding one’s limits, reducing expectations, and realizing what was truly important in life.
Doc swallowed the last sip of coffee and placed the cup back in the saucer. He always enjoyed his coffee just a little bit more when it was in a cup and saucer, and he loved it that Kitty served it to him that way more often than not. It made him feel special. She usually served everyone else coffee in a mug. He mashed his hat on his head and stood. Sam was busy with a couple of cowboys at the counter, so Doc took off for home. He was tired and the thought of his bed sounded better than anything else right now.
As Doc walked back through the wet, frigid temperatures to his office, he still couldn’t figure what was wrong with Kitty this morning, but he also knew it would come to light. Kitty tried to keep her problems to herself, but Doc knew he would get it out of her eventually. He always did.
Kitty Russell could pull the wool over most men’s eyes, and she could talk her way out of most anything, but one thing she couldn’t do was get one over on ole’ Doc. And she knew it. That’s precisely why she had left for her office so suddenly.
Doc attempted to get some sleep, but a couple of other patients awakened him during the course of the day. He stitched up Josh Fletcher’s leg after a pitchfork tried to take it off, and then as he was finally drifting off to sleep a couple of hours later, Ma Smalley brought over a young man who had cut himself trying to cut up an apple. Why in tarnation a ten-year-old didn’t know how to handle a knife around an apple, Doc didn’t know. But it wasn’t his business, and he always made it a point to stay clear of other people’s business.
Mostly.
He stayed out of other people’s business when they weren’t close personal friends, or someone he didn’t know very well. Some people, however, were dear to him and if he inserted himself into their business every now and then, well, it was because he cared about them and wanted the best for them. And there was nothing wrong with that.
After his two unexpected patients were bandaged and gone, Doc made his way back to bed, and tossed and turned some more, but sleep wouldn’t come. Not only was it getting harder for him to sleep when it was light out, even after a long night of doctoring, he was also finding it harder to sleep when things weren’t the way they should be.
He couldn’t stop thinking about Kitty, and when she wasn’t herself it concerned Doc. He thought the world of Kitty Russell, and had since the day he met her and realized Matt Dillon had finally met his match. But he and Kitty had become fast friends all on their own, and he had taken it upon himself to look out for her over the years, especially when Matt was away. But he also genuinely liked her company, so it wasn’t difficult to do. In fact, when he told Kitty earlier that he looked forward to their quiet times over coffee each morning, he’d meant every word of it.
But Kitty was also a redhead, and by golly, she could sure get riled up about some things. Today, though, she didn’t seem riled. She was sad, bothered about something, and maybe a bit anxious. This bothered Doc more. At least if she were riled, it was the sort of behavior he expected from her every now and then.
After a long day, Doc finally got out of bed and put on his robe. The clock read 10:00. It was 10:00 p.m. and he hadn’t had more than a couple hours of good solid rest all day. He brushed his hand over his moustache, and left the bedroom for his office. He intended to stoke the fire in the stove and warm up the leftover coffee in the pot he kept there, but now he was wide awake.
And he was also frustrated.
He went back into his bedroom and started to dress. Kitty was more than likely still downstairs at the Long Branch. Closing time was a few hours away and, at this rate, he wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon.
By golly, he was going to see Kitty right now and get to the bottom of whatever was bothering her. He wouldn’t be able to rest until he knew Kitty was all right, and things were the way they oughta be.
Walking into the Long Branch, Doc glanced up at the clock on the wall. It was 10:30 p.m., still early in saloon time. He looked around but didn’t see Kitty. Sam was pouring a glass of whiskey for a cowboy who took it back to a poker table with him. Doc walked over to the bar.
“Can I get you a drink, Doc?” asked Sam.
Doc shook his head. “No, Sam, thanks. Kitty around?”
“She went upstairs a few minutes ago, Doc. It was busy earlier, but the ones left in here now are a pretty tame crowd. It’ll start to thin out directly,” said Sam. “I could tell Miss Kitty still has something bothering her, so I told her I can handle things until closing. I thought maybe a little extra sleep might come in handy for her.”
Doc smiled to himself. Sam looked out for Kitty in any way he could. “Well, I’m sure she isn’t in bed yet. I’m going up to see her for a few minutes, Sam.”
“Nothin’s the matter is it, Doc?” Going upstairs to see Miss Kitty at this hour wasn’t usual for Doc.
“Yes there sure is, Sam. Whatever is the matter with Kitty is keeping me from sleeping, and I’m determined to put an end to it!”
Sam looked relieved. It was about time someone who could do something about making Miss Kitty get back to herself decided to take care of things. Nothing seemed right when she wasn’t her usual self.
Doc started up the stairs to see Kitty.
Kitty was brushing her hair at her dresser when a knock sounded at her door. She sighed. It could be one of the girls, or… who knew. She lay down her brush and opened the door.
“Doc!” said Kitty, startled. She wasn’t used to seeing Doc out and about this late, not unless he was called out for some medical emergency. He didn’t often come into the Long Branch after ten or so anymore, either. As time went by, a lot of things had changed. But he never come upstairs to see her unless something was wrong.
Kitty was especially surprised to see him at her door at this hour, though. Her mind automatically raced to Matt Dillon, and her heart rate sped up. Had Matt been shot? “Doc, is everything all right?” But as soon as she had the thought about Matt, she knew that wasn’t the problem. Besides, she hadn’t heard a gunshot, and her entire being was on alert for those, day and night.
“You tell me,” said Doc, but Kitty continued to stare at him. “May I come in?” he asked.
The surprise Kitty felt at seeing Doc so unexpectedly began to dissipate and she realized she was trapped. Kitty wasn’t put into this position often, and she had let down her guard. Of course he was here about her behavior this morning. She hadn’t been on her game concerning quite a few things lately.
Kitty stepped back and allowed Doc to enter. She hadn’t changed out of her dress yet because she knew sleep would be a long time coming. She thought she might even go back downstairs if her thoughts became too overwhelming. She could only think about losing Matt for so long before her strength began to crumble, and she needed to hold onto as much of it as she could, and for as long as she could. After she was gone from Dodge and beginning a new life in another town, she could collapse. But that was after she sold the Long Branch and left this cold, ugly town she’d come to love, along with her eighteen years’ worth of friends, her family.
Kitty pushed back the damned tears and closed the door behind Doc. “Let me take your coat, Doc,” she said in an even voice.
“Thank you.”
“Sit down,” she said, gesturing to the comfortable upholstered chair in her small sitting area. She hung his coat and hat on the coat rack in the corner. “How about a brandy?” Doc loved a good brandy, and she thought it might start them out on equal footing.
“That sounds fine, Kitty,” said Doc. He sat and waited for Kitty to hand him the drink. He would allow Kitty time to get her bearing. He knew seeing him at her door this late had thrown her, and starting out with her on the defensive wouldn’t solve anything. He knew he wouldn’t get a thing from her tonight that way.
“It’s not Napoleon,” she said. “But it’s just as good, in my opinion.” She smiled at Doc as though everything were all right. Kitty knew she had to handle this well, and send Doc on his way in a few minutes. She wasn’t up to dealing with his questions tonight. Usually she was safe in her own room but, then again, she wasn’t surprised Doc had sought her out today. He knew something was wrong, and he was relentless in his pursuit of getting to the bottom of all Kitty’s problems. She wished Doc could make everything all right, but nothing was going to be all right for her ever again. Not this time.
She sighed as she turned to pour herself a brandy, as well. She was going to need it.
Kitty sat across from Doc and took a sip from her glass. “Did you get caught up on your sleep today, Doc, or are you still off-schedule?” She knew it sometimes took him awhile to get back to normal after being out all night doctoring somebody. Gone were the days of Doc grabbing a few hours here and there and being just fine. Once, he could deal well with irregular hours, but Doc was older now.
Kitty knew how things could change when one got older.
She looked up at Doc, and saw him staring at her. His brandy was on the table beside him, but he hadn’t touched it. She sighed heavily. This could take longer than she had hoped.
“Do you want to tell me about it, Kitty?” asked Doc gently.
“Tell you about what, Doc?” she asked, but her heart wasn’t into deception. Her heart needed a rest from a lot of things, in fact.
“I want to know what’s the matter with you. You haven’t been yourself for several days now. In fact, you’ve been distracted for longer than that, but we’ll stick with several days. At first, I thought it might be this weather, which tends to make everybody miserable. But the weather doesn’t seem to be the problem with you. In fact, I’m not even sure you know what season it is right now.”
“Doc…”
“No, now, I don’t want any blamed excuses or attempts to placate me to make me go away!”
Kitty looked at him in surprise. “What makes you think…”
“I know you. And I’m tired, Kitty – tired from no sleep, tired of you not being yourself, and I’m certainly tired of this wet weather. Whatever is bothering you, I want to know about it before I leave this room.”
Kitty took a deep breath. She would give it one more try. “Doc, I appreciate your concern, I really do. But I’m not ready to talk about it just now.” She said the last part firmly, hoping Doc would see it in his heart to give her a little more time.
“Well, that’s too bad, Kitty, and that kind of argument might work with Matt Dillon…” Doc began.
“I’m not concerned about Matt Dillon right now!” Kitty said in a strong voice that surprised both of them. She looked at Doc with wide eyes, then stood and walked to the window overlooking Front Street. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I don’t know where that came from.” She looked out at the darkness because she didn’t want Doc to see how much this outburst had unnerved her.
“Well, evidently it came from being mad at Matt,” he said in a normal tone. He crossed his legs and reached for his brandy, glad he had at least broken the outer shell on this thing.
After a long moment, Kitty said, “I’m not mad at him, Doc.”
The brandy was indeed a good one, but the thought was gone as soon as he had it. “I’ve never seen you like this over anything or anyone else.”
Kitty felt her hand start to shake, so she took a large sip from her glass. Her hands never shook. She needed to steady herself, inside and out.
“If it isn’t about Matt, then what in the world is the matter, Kitty?” asked Doc.
She blinked away the moisture in her eyes as she watched a cowboy leave the saloon downstairs, intent on crossing Front Street to get to his horse without appearing drunk. Anyone looking at him wouldn’t be taken in by his easy saunter, just as Kitty knew Doc hadn’t believed she was fine, no matter how hard she had worked lately to put on a good front.
“Kitty?” Doc stood and walked over to her, put his hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. “I don’t like this one bit. I’m getting very concerned about you.” He saw the tired look in her eyes and knew it wasn’t from physical tiredness, but from a weariness she felt deep inside. This wasn’t good. “Come and sit down,” he said, moving her back to her chair. She sat, because there was nothing else to do.
“Now take another sip of that brandy,” he said gently. She did.
Doc went back to his own chair to give her some space, and time to gather her thoughts. He took a sip of his own brandy and waited.
Finally, when Kitty remained quiet and didn’t seem ready to talk at all, Doc said, “I’ve only known you to get into this kind of… turmoil… when it concerns Matt,” he said. “So I’m at a loss. Help me out,” he said.
“I said I’m not mad at him, Doc,” she said. “I didn’t say it didn’t concern him.” Her voice was nearly emotionless.
“Tell me,” he said gently.
Kitty finished her brandy and stood. “I need some whiskey, Doc, if I’m going to talk about this. I’d rather not, actually, but I don’t believe you’ll leave me be until we have this talk.”
Doc nodded. “Fine, get the whiskey,” he said. “I will probably need one, too.” He handed his empty brandy glass to her as she walked past him to the sideboard.
Kitty put both brandy glasses down and poured two whiskeys. Brandy was for quiet pondering, enjoying easy friendships, and gentle times. Whiskey was for everything else.
Kitty carried a generous glass of whiskey over to Doc and sat back down with her own. She knew Doc was waiting for her to talk. Whatever had made her think she could have some time on her own to decide when to tell him what was happening? Doc never let her keep things from him. It was something she loved about him, but it could also be aggravating when she just wanted to be left alone. She took a deep breath.
“Something has happened, Doc,” Kitty said, so softly Doc had to listen carefully to hear her. “I’m not even sure when it started exactly, but it’s already done.”
Doc was struggling to get any sense from this. “Kitty, you need to get ahold of yourself,” he said. He’d never seen her like this. “What are you talking about?”
Kitty suddenly looked up at Doc. “All right,” she said, as though seeing him for the first time. Kitty took a strong drink of the whiskey in her glass. “Doc, Matt is… well, Matt and I are… finished.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. She never thought, after all they had been through and survived together, it would come to this. “He just hasn’t told me yet,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “He’s no longer interested in me, and all that’s left now is for him to tell me that.” She stood and moved back to the window. She needed distance – from Doc, and from her own thoughts. But neither would go away.
“Kitty… well, Kitty, that’s just… well, it’s preposterous!” Doc stood and walked towards Kitty. He stopped a couple of feet from her. “You know better than that, Kitty.”
She didn’t turn to face him. “You can’t say that, Doc. You don’t know how things have been between us lately.” The hurt in her voice wasn’t lost on Doc.
“Well, if you and Matt haven’t even talked about whatever this is, then you don’t know, either!” Doc knew he was tired, but this talking in circles was something he wasn’t up for tonight.
Kitty laughed a small, sad laugh. “A woman knows, Doc.”
Doc took a deep breath. “Kitty, if there is one thing I never doubt, it’s your knowledge of men – and especially your man. But if you’re saying Matt is… is no longer interested in you, no longer wants you to be his woman, then you need to be able to tell me something more than ‘a woman knows.’ If he hasn’t said anything to you specifically about this, then it’s not real. Matt Dillon is a man of few words…”
“Very few,” she said.
Doc took a deep breath. Yes, he knew that. And blast it all, Matt was aggravating in that fact. People, especially women, needed to hear certain words from time to time. He’d tried to talk to Matt about that over the years, but Matt Dillon was… well, he was downright aggravating, and there was no other word for it! And he was as stubborn as Kitty was when she believed in something. Matt truly believed if he said something one time, then that was all there was to it. Everything was black and white, right or wrong, and he didn’t have the time to waste saying the same thing over and over. Doc wouldn’t be surprised at all if Matt had told Kitty just once that he loved her – one time, maybe eighteen years ago – and thought that was good enough for all time. And as much as Kitty was forgiving of Matt’s downfalls, she sure needed to be told some things a little more often. Everyone needed reassurances now and then.
Doc turned and walked away from her. He needed to collect himself. “Kitty, what in the world…” he muttered. He took a swig of whiskey and another deep breath. Of all the things Kitty could have said, he was least prepared to hear what she’d just told him. He was getting too old for this. “What makes you believe that, Kitty?” he finally asked.
Kitty’s eyes filled with tears. She wasn’t sure she could talk right now. She hadn’t planned to discuss this with Doc tonight, and her tears were too close to the surface.
He turned back to face her. “Talk to me, Kitty,” Doc said gently. No, he had never seen her like this, and it was a bad one, whatever it was.
“Matt hasn’t been around lately,” she said. “He…”
“Matt’s not been out of town much at all in the last several weeks, Kitty. You know that.”
“He’s been in Dodge, Doc, but he hasn’t come into the Long Branch very often.” She took another drink from her glass. “You know how Matt’s always stopped in several times a day when he’s in town?”
“Sure do. Everyone in Dodge knows if Matt’s not in his office, the next place to check is the Long Branch,” said Doc. Doc also knew Kitty’s room was a good guess, too.
“Well, a few weeks ago, he stopped coming in much at all. It soon became once a day, and then a couple of times a week, and now…” She swallowed hard. “Now, he has Festus make his rounds on this side of town so he doesn’t have to come in here at all.”
Doc felt as though he’d been slapped. That just couldn’t be true! “Kitty…”
“Oh, he manages to come in once every few days. He buys a beer and if I’m around, he’ll sit with me. But he doesn’t talk much, Doc. He looks into space, thinking about something I can’t figure out. He doesn’t hear me when I talk to him, and he doesn’t share things with me anymore – not news about the outlaws he’s chasing, or the latest Wanted posters, or anything else. And you know how he’s always asked me to be on the lookout for some gunslinger or outlaw, or to keep my ear to the ground about some gossip that might be going around, but now… there’s nothing, Doc. It’s as though we don’t have anything in common anymore, or anything to talk about. If I ask him a question, he’ll give me a short answer. And soon after, he leaves. Just like that. He’s so distracted, I don’t even know if he remembers coming in at all.” Kitty remained at the window. She couldn’t face Doc. Somehow, talking to Doc about losing Matt was the hardest thing she’d ever done. Being a woman, a strong woman, and Matt Dillon’s woman, had been a part of her life for so long, and had kept her centered for so many years, that she didn’t know who she was anymore without him.
“How have I missed this, Kitty?” Doc was stunned. “I never thought about not seeing you and Matt together lately, but you’re right, we haven’t run into each other at Delmonico’s or even here at the Long Branch much. Still, the three of us had a beer together just the other night…”
“And he talked only to you, Doc,” said Kitty. “It was as though I wasn’t there. And he didn’t stay long.”
“Kitty, I didn’t notice that at all!” said Doc. This couldn’t be right. “Matt said he had work to do, and it’s true he didn’t stay more than a few minutes….”
“He always has work to do, Doc, but he used to be able to fit me into his life somewhere along the way.”
“Well, I sure didn’t notice anything out of sorts, or that he didn’t talk to you,” said Doc.
“That’s because you’re a man, Doc. You wouldn’t notice something like that,” she said, matter-of-factly. “Besides, you’ve been busy yourself lately. You haven’t been coming into the Long Branch in the evenings as often, either. It’s been pretty lonesome around here.”
Doc scrubbed at his moustache, in that way he had, and paced the room. What Kitty said was true. He had been busy. But had he been so busy he hadn’t noticed a difference between Matt and Kitty? “Something’s not right here, Kitty… something’s just not right.”
“Festus knows, too. He knows something is bad wrong, Doc, at the very least. He can’t look me in the eye when he comes in to check on things. He doesn’t know what to say to me, all of a sudden. And I don’t know what to say to him.” Kitty tried to swallow the lump that was stuck in her throat. Why was it when a couple split up, their friends had to pick sides? She was sure Festus would remain with Matt. He had to, there was no other way. She didn’t know about Doc. Doc had been Matt’s friend first, back before Kitty had come to town eighteen years ago. His allegiance should be to Matt, and maybe it would stay that way. But she also knew she and Doc had a friendship that surpassed any she had known. Doc was her family. She didn’t know how she could lose both Matt and Doc at the same time. She didn’t know if her heart could survive that. But then, she was leaving town. And Matt and Doc could go back to a time before Kitty ever set foot in Dodge City. Maybe those eighteen years’ worth of memories could be put neatly away, and they could pretend she had never been a part of their lives at all.
Suddenly Doc turned to Kitty. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but…. “What is it you’re not saying, Kitty?”
“Doc, I don’t …” she said.
“What is it, Kitty?” asked Doc. He had to know.
Kitty pushed away her tears once more and cleared her throat. She had to tell Doc, no matter how much it hurt her pride, and her heart, to say the words. “Matt is seeing another woman, Doc.”
“What? What in the world would ever make you think…?” asked a bewildered Doc.
“She’s probably in Hays, Doc. That would be my guess.” Kitty swallowed some whisky, hoping the slow burn of the alcohol would make this a little easier. But it didn’t. “I know she’s not here in Dodge. If she was, I would know, and that’s something Matt wouldn’t do – see another woman right under my nose. Matt has too much pride for that, and it would make him too uncomfortable. But Matt has been going to Hays a lot lately – for a day at a time, or maybe two. I asked him during one of his stops into the Long Branch about his trips to Hays and he said he has business there. That’s all. Once, he would have told me more about it, Doc. This time it’s a woman.” Matt wasn’t one for sweet words or endearments, but he could usually talk about his business trips involving that badge just fine.
Finally, Doc stopped moving around. “Kitty, Matt Dillon also has more pride than to see another woman behind your back. He just wouldn’t do that. Plus, I happen to know he’s not looked at another woman since the day he met you.” He took a sip of his whiskey, and a deep breath. “Just you listen to us. This is… this is crazy talk! You and I both know Matt Dillon. We know his character, and what and how he believes. And we both know how he feels about you, Kitty! In fact, over the last four or five years, I’ve watched him show you more attention than he ever did before.” Doc forced himself to calm down. He had to get Kitty to look at this realistically. “He’s proud of you, Kitty. And he’s told me, actually told me, you are the most exciting woman he’s ever known. And for Matt Dillon to put those words together and actually say them…”
“When?”
“What?” he asked.
“When did he tell you that, Doc?”
Doc thought hard. “I don’t know… maybe three or four years ago, or five. Something like that.”
Kitty nodded and took a deep breath. “A lot of men get tired of being with the same woman,” she said. “It’s not that way for women, Doc, not when they’re in love. But men… men like change, especially when a woman who knows how to handle them feeds their ego, makes them feel special.” She sure knew how that worked.
“What in tarnation are you talking about?” asked Doc. She had just told him more than he ever expected to hear from Kitty, and far more than he wanted to.
“Women don’t age the same way men do, Doc. And sometimes a man wants a taste of something different as time goes by. After spending eighteen years loving just me, Matt may have been seduced by the promise of something new, from someone more exciting, someone… younger.” Her throat hurt from the tears she had been pushing back.
“Matt Dillon hasn’t looked at anyone else since you and he got together, Kitty. There’s been no one else. And that’s a fact.”
Kitty nodded. “I know that was true until recently, Doc.”
“It’s still true.”
“Doc, you didn’t even notice that things have changed between us, so how can you know that?” She turned to look at him then, and Doc saw the pain in her eyes.
“Matt’s never wanted or needed another woman, Kitty. You’ve always been more than enough for him. We both know that, too.”
“I accept that he wasn’t looking for anyone else, Doc. Sometimes Matt doesn’t even have time for me. I believe he wasn’t looking. But there are a lot of women out there who see him, and I know he’s attractive to them, Doc. Matt’s a special man, that’s easy to see. And just because he wasn’t looking doesn’t mean they weren’t. A woman has a lot of power over a man when he’s at his most vulnerable.”
Her eyes grew moist again and she turned away. “Another woman could have set her mind on him, and didn’t stop until she had him.” Kitty knew how that worked. She had set her mind on Matt Dillon herself the first moment she saw him.
“And what’s made Matt so vulnerable all of a sudden, Kitty?”
“Age,” she said. “As time goes by, it makes all of us vulnerable in one way or another.”
There was that word again, Doc noticed. “Don’t you talk to me about age where you’re concerned, Kitty. There are as many men interested in you right now as there ever was – and I don’t mean drunken cowboys. I mean men, good men, real men, men who matter.”
Kitty smiled weakly at Doc. “Oh, Doc – I’m new and different to them now, but that would only last awhile. There’s something about saloon women that men are drawn to – they want the woman who makes love to them to look pretty and be attentive. They want a woman who knows how to love her man in bed, and make him feel special. But then, most men want to go back home for everything else – to the woman who cooks and cleans and mends their clothing.”
“Kitty Russell, I’ve never heard you talk this way! You’re more than all that, and you know it! You’ve been much more than that to Matt, too, and you still are! You talk about feeding a man’s ego, Kitty. Well, nobody has ever fed a man’s ego as well as you’ve fed Matt’s, God knows. I’ve watched you do it for eighteen years!”
“Eighteen years is a long time, Doc. Maybe Matt needs someone new to do that now. A lot of men want to hear those words come from someone fresh and young enough to make them feel like a new man all over again.”
“Matt has never needed a woman to make him feel like a man, Kitty. He’s a man’s man, always has been. You know that, too.”
Kitty smiled sadly. “That’s a different thing altogether, Doc. A man who is made to feel vital by a woman… well, for a man, that can be the strongest and most powerful feeling in the world.”
Doc knew Kitty understood men better than anyone, and certainly better than Doc. Doc had never had a lot of time to devote to understanding women, either, or even being loved by them, or loving them. Oh, he had experienced what it was like to love a woman, but so much of that was in the past now, and something he dragged out on rare occasion. He was a doctor, first and foremost, and he had taken an oath….
And for the very first time, Doc saw the similarities between himself and Matt Dillon. Matt had also taken an oath. And that oath, represented by the badge he wore every day, was the most important thing in Matt’s life. Doctoring was the most important thing in the world to Doc, and it was represented by his medical bag. Years ago, Doc had lost a woman he loved very much because of his dedication and long hours spent doing his job. And here he was alone in his old age.
He would have to give that more thought later.
What Kitty said was right for some men, though. Being paid attention to by a beautiful woman knocked out everything else, made everything else less important. Doc had seen families torn apart because of a beautiful woman using her charms on the man in the family. He had witnessed the devastation of several families, in fact.
But that was not true for all men – Doc knew that, too. It wasn’t true for him, and the fact that Matt had never married Kitty or put her first in his life as a lawman surely showed her his head couldn’t be turned by just any woman. Kitty was the only woman for Matt. Doc had witnessed Matt’s denial of his feelings for her eighteen years ago, and he had also witnessed the same man give in to his love for her. Matt protected her and loved her the best way he knew how. And Kitty knew that. She’d accepted his limitations. She knew just how far Matt would and wouldn’t go.
No, Doc couldn’t believe Matt Dillon had turned to another woman – not over Kitty Russell. The pride in Matt’s eyes when he looked at her was evidence enough for Doc. Nothing on God’s green earth would make Doc believe that had changed, either. He knew Matt Dillon too well for that. And by golly, so did Kitty.
Doc shook his head. This was all wrong. “Kitty, you’ve given me a lot of words and thoughts. You’ve given me suppositions, ideas. But you’ve not given me any proof, none whatsoever. And I can’t believe any of this without it.”
Kitty turned to Doc and smiled a sad smile. “I’m glad, Doc. I’m glad you need so much to believe what I’ve been experiencing for weeks now.”
“Don’t patronize me, Kitty,” said Doc, moving around the room again. He felt as though his own life were falling apart. He suddenly realized how much of his own strength came from watching Kitty and Matt not only survive a relationship that had so much working against it, but strengthen it along the way, despite all the odds against them over the years. Their strength often made Doc strive to be a stronger, better person. He felt his own beliefs were being questioned, and he didn’t like it one bit. His belief that Matt Dillon and Kitty Russell could survive anything together, and forever, was second only to his belief in God.
Kitty moved to Doc, and took his empty glass from him. “I didn’t intend to patronize you, Doc. I’d never do that,” she said softly, and sighed. “But I can see how you’d take it that way, so I apologize.” She walked over to the sideboard and refilled both glasses with a generous amount of the honey-colored liquid. This was a very expensive whiskey, and she didn’t keep much of it on hand at the Long Branch. The cowboys who frequented the place didn’t care to pay for good whiskey. They would rather have the cheaper whiskey in abundance. It got them drunk faster – or so they thought. But she always kept a bottle of the Long Branch’s best whiskey in her room. Matt enjoyed it when he visited. When he used to visit, she amended that thought. Sharing some of the world’s best whiskey with Matt in her room was one of the many little things she liked to do for him. And that whiskey was being wasted by she and Doc now. They weren’t enjoying it. They were just using it to cope with everything else around them. Maybe those cowboys weren’t so off-base, after all. Cheap whiskey would work just as well right now.
“That’s all right, Kitty,” said Doc gently. “I’m too tired for this talk tonight, but I couldn’t sleep until we had it. And now I know. But I still don’t believe it.”
Kitty turned, and Doc walked over to take his glass from her. He looked into Kitty’s blue, blue eyes and thought for the hundredth time about how beautiful the children would have been if she and Matt had made some together. Both of them had the most incredible blue eyes. Doc always wondered if all their children would have had blue eyes, too. Might one child have had green eyes? It would have been a rare case, but it had been known to happen.
Kitty saw Doc look deep into her eyes. “What is it?” she asked softly.
Doc shook his head and turned away. “Nothing,” he said.
But Kitty knew what he was thinking. In the past, when he looked into her eyes that special way but wouldn’t tell her why, she knew he was thinking about the children she and Matt would never have together. Once, a very long time ago, she had figured it out by something he said later, but Doc never realized he had given it away and she never told him. She had held onto that once, the thought that someone else also thought about those children who would never be born. Her heart had hurt for many years, wondering how many children she and Matt would have had together if he had been a normal man, one who didn’t wear a badge. She had spent years wanting them, but over time, that desire had turned into a dull thud. Time leveled.
Kitty took a deep breath. They had gone this far, so they had to finish it. “I know your allegiance is split between Matt and me, Doc. This can’t be easy for you. But believe me when I tell you it’s true. Matt has already left me. I’m just waiting for him to acknowledge it, and to tell me… about her.”
“No. No, I won’t believe it, Kitty. I know your reasoning makes a logical sense, at least to you. I understand about Matt not being himself lately. I believe you about that. But something is wrong here, very wrong.”
“Right or wrong, it’s true,” she said softly. And now I have to make new plans, Doc. It’s funny, I thought that after all those years of turmoil, years of wondering how much longer Matt would live, how much longer I had left to bear children, how long I could wait for him, how many bullets I could stand to watch you pull out of him, and then finally… finally feeling that things had settled down into a life we both felt comfortable with – well, I guess I never thought I would need to move on at this point.”
“What do you mean, move on?” asked Doc.
“I can’t stay in Dodge, Doc,” she said quietly. “There are far too many memories here for that. I wouldn’t survive it. And in time, if Matt brought her here… well, I couldn’t take that humiliation, or that hurt.”
Doc looked at her. “Seems to me you’ve made all kinds of assumptions and all kinds of plans without verifying the truth of the matter first,” he said.
Kitty took a deep breath. “If what I’ve told you isn’t enough for you to believe Matt is seeing another woman, Doc, here is more for you.” She took another sip of the whiskey. There wasn’t enough drink in the world to make this easier to say. “In the past month, I’ve swallowed my pride several times, Doc. I have asked Matt for a date, just for some time alone with him, four different times. I thought if we could talk, really talk….“ She sighed. “I suggested we have supper at Delmonico’s, but he was too busy. I asked if he wanted to go fishing two Saturday mornings ago. I gave him three days’ notice, but he didn’t have time. We haven’t been fishing together in a few years, Doc. I thought it might be nice.” She swallowed more whiskey. It hurt her pride deeply to have to admit to Doc, or herself, that she couldn’t even get a date with the man she loved. “Then I suggested we take a short buggy ride out on the prairie to watch the sun set some evening. I wasn’t even specific about when. But he has a lot going on right now and couldn’t commit to anything. That’s what he said, Doc. He couldn’t commit to anything.” She stopped just long enough for another sip to take away some of the burning in her throat. From past experience, she knew all about Matt not being able to commit. “Then, finally, I asked him to supper in my room. I thought maybe if I prepared his favorite meal, it would relax him and we could talk. It’s been awhile since I’ve cooked for him, but it has always been the one thing Matt could never resist. I’m a good cook, Doc, when I have time for it, and Matt has always loved having supper in my room.” She smiled wanly. “Good food, good whiskey, good brandy, and maybe even some good loving – if there wasn’t some reason he had to leave in the middle of everything. That badge always comes first, of course.” She had to stop for a moment to get her bearing. “But he said that even though it sounded good, he would have to let me know when he had the time. He would get back to me sometime. He’s been so busy lately that it might be awhile, though.” She stopped and took a deep breath, willing herself not to break down and cry, not to suffer the final humiliation. “He’s never turned down that offer, Doc, not in all these years.”
Doc took another sip of his whiskey. This time, he looked at the glass. “This is good,” he said.
Kitty laughed a small, sad laugh. “And expensive,” she said. “At least we’re getting something out of all this.”
Doc turned to look at her. Kitty was as beautiful as she’d ever been. Oh, everyone and everything changed with time. But time had been good to her somehow. Even after all she’d been through over the years, she was still a compelling woman. And there was no way he would believe Matt Dillon would ever walk away from her, not now, not for anyone or anything. They had too much history together, had walked through too many fires together to get to where they were now, and he had also witnessed Matt appreciating Kitty more over the last few years. Dodge City had settled down, Matt’s job had become a little less intense, and Matt had also gotten better at doing his job over the years. Doc had watched Matt finally start to relax a bit and pay more attention to the woman who had stayed by his side, the one who had persevered through everything right along with him. Doc saw Matt get a brand new appreciation for Kitty somewhere along the way, and he had been glad for it, and glad for Kitty.
No, Doc wouldn’t believe Kitty’s story unless he heard it from Matt Dillon himself.
“I blame myself, Doc, not Matt,” said Kitty, moving back to her chair and sitting. “Somewhere along the way, I became complacent, stopped being on top of my game. Women have to work much harder than men will ever know just to stay interesting and exciting to their man. But I forgot about that, or maybe I got tired, or too comfortable. I’ll figure it out someday when I’m able to look back. But I lost my edge somewhere, Doc. I accept responsibility for that. I haven’t done a very good job of taking care of things at home.” Her voice nearly broke from the strain, but she managed to continue. “I can’t blame Matt if he found what I wasn’t giving him somewhere else.”
Doc swiped at his moustache with his hand, then tugged at his ear. This made no sense at all. “Kitty Russell, if this is all true about Matt – and I say IF, because I still don’t believe it – then you’re flat out wrong. You’ve always put Matt first, always did and still do.”
Kitty shook her head. “But that’s not all there is to it, Doc. Keeping a man is hard work. Women know this, and as time goes by, it’s even harder work. I forgot that somewhere along the way. And now I’m paying the price.”
Doc took another sip of his whiskey and moved around the room. This was tearing him apart inside, but he still knew Kitty wasn’t right about Matt. “I’m not buying it, Kitty. Maybe there’s something Matt isn’t sharing with you, but I can’t believe it has anything to do with another woman. I know Matt Dillon better than that.” He turned to her. “And so do you!”
Kitty nodded. “I’ve struggled with that. I know Matt’s character. He’s the best man, the kindest man, the most gentle and compassionate man I’ve ever known. He genuinely cares about people. He has a great big heart, and that is a part of what makes him a good lawman. I’ve battled with myself over this for weeks, Doc. But it always comes down to the basic fact that Matt is still a man. And men work this way, even good men. When they want to move on, they struggle. They don’t want to believe their heart is leading them elsewhere. They don’t want to believe they are made up of something that could hurt the woman they’ve loved for a long time. But those new feelings almost always win out, Doc.” She took a deep breath and another drink from her glass. After consuming this much alcohol this late, maybe she would be able to sleep tonight. But deep inside, she knew better.
“I still don’t believe it’s that way for Matt, Kitty,” said Doc. “Not the Matt Dillon you and I both know.”
She smiled sadly. “Just remember, eighteen years ago Matt told me he couldn’t commit to a permanent relationship.” A tear escaped and ran down her cheek. She moved back to the window before Doc noticed. “Eighteen years is a long time for a non-permanent relationship, Doc, but maybe that’s what it’s been, after all. Something temporary.”
Doc knew at this point, Kitty would think Matt was seeing another woman until Matt told her differently. She knew Matt’s character, but there were too many things pointing in too many directions right now for her to keep that in perspective.
But Doc knew Matt’s character, too. He also knew Matt didn’t have a high regard for those men who left their wives and families for another woman. He never had. Matt had pride, but he also had a morality few people knew a lot about, and a definition of right and wrong in his mind that would surprise some people. He didn’t like failings in others, and he held himself to the highest standard he believed in for everyone else. Kitty knew all this too, but right now she had so many other things changing what she knew was real and wasn’t real, that she couldn’t see it.
Kitty continued, but she kept her back to Doc and watched Front Street outside her window. It was quiet and mostly dark out there, but she didn’t really see it, and the darkness kept her focused on her thoughts. “Tonight I came upstairs early. I wasn’t as tired as Sam suggested, but I think he was just giving me an excuse. What I really was, was tired of myself. I did something tonight I’ve never done before, Doc.” She couldn’t believe she was admitting this, even to Doc. “Tonight I had a drink with Web Trimble.” She turned to Doc for a sign that he knew Web. “Web owns the large ranch about ten miles west of town.”
Doc nodded. “I know Web. He’s had a big crush on you for years.” A lot of people knew about Web’s affection for Kitty.
Kitty nodded and turned back to the window. “Web comes into town every few weeks to play cards and drink. He comes alone and leaves his men to watch over the ranch. He drinks and plays cards well into the night, and he stays at the Dodge House until the next morning, then heads back home.”
Doc nodded again. Most people around town knew it, too. Where was Kitty going with this?
“He always asks me to have a drink with him, and I always decline. He’s always treated me fine, like a lady, in fact, so a few years ago I started having a drink with him on his birthday, once a year. He looks forward to his birthday, he says, for that very reason.” She smiled weakly. “He asks to buy me a drink several other times throughout the year, but I tell him it’s not his birthday yet, and we leave it at that. Somehow that’s become the line we’ve drawn in the sand, Doc. If I drink with him on his birthday, we can both enjoy it and that line still stands. But tonight, I accepted.” She blinked back the tears again. “And it wasn’t his birthday.” She took a deep breath. “I was the one who overstepped the line.”
Doc didn’t understand what this meant exactly, but he sat back in his chair to listen because it was important to Kitty.
“I gave Web hope, Doc, and it was an awful thing to do. He’s asked me to marry him off and on for the past dozen years, but we’ve kept that line between us and he knows I’m not available. He knows I’m Matt’s woman, and he treats me with respect. But he’s also been waiting to see if something changes. He believes a woman has no reason to stay with a man who won’t marry her. He told me once that he would keep an eye out for my situation with Matt to change one way or the other. If Matt and I marry, then he’ll walk away, but if something happens to Matt or if we break up, then he’ll come to court me full-out.” She chuckled, but it was forced. “I told him there was no reason to believe it would ever change from what it is, and that I was happy with it being this way. He’s never believed that. And tonight, I know he thought I was giving myself to him. You see, Doc, I broke our unspoken rule.” She took another drink from her glass. “I was wrong to do that, Doc, but I needed to know that a man could still want me, a good man. Web is a good man, and I was wrong to use him.” Her throat still burned, and the whiskey didn’t help it anymore. “I finally told him nothing had changed with Matt, even though I’m not sure I convinced him of it. I apologized for breaking the rules, and he was a gentleman and allowed me to retain my dignity. I was so wrong to do what I did, Doc. I can’t remember the last time I needed a man to validate my self-worth. I have never in my life led a man on, and I still feel awful about it. I used Web to get a compliment because I couldn’t get one from the man I love.” She swallowed hard. “I needed a man to make me feel like a woman, Doc – any man, not just Matt Dillon. And if that’s not sad, I don’t know what is.”
“Kitty,” said Doc gently, “what you did isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be. I’m sure Web enjoyed his bit of extra time with you, and you made sure he understood you weren’t opening a new door. It’ll be fine.”
“But that’s not the point, Doc!” Kitty turned from the window and he saw in her eyes how much this was costing her. “I was feeling sorry for myself, and that’s not the way I operate. I do not lead men on.”
“I know that, Kitty,” said Doc, moving towards her. He stopped a few feet away, though, knowing she wasn’t seeking comfort. “So you made a small mistake. You’re human. It’s allowed. But you also corrected it,” he said.
“I couldn’t get what I needed from Matt, so I used Web, Doc,” she said, turning back to the window.
“What you did doesn’t make you one of those women, the kind you’re comparing yourself to.” Doc knew full well how Kitty felt. She had such pride. It was something he loved about her, but it was also something that often worked against her. Matt liked to kid her that it would someday be her undoing. Doc walked over to where she stood at the window, and turned her to face him again. “Kitty Russell, you’re one of the kindest, most honest and generous women I’ve ever met, not to mention just downright lovely to look at.” He saw amusement touch her eyes, and relaxed a bit. “You need to let that go. Give Web a drink on the house for the rest of his life if it takes that to make you feel better, but let that guilt go. Believe me, Web had a nice evening. You can’t keep feeling bad about that.”
Kitty reached for Doc’s hand. “I appreciate your belief in me, Doc.”
Doc shook his head. “Here I thought you and Matt were finally stable and happy, and I wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore.”
“I thought so, too, Doc. I love that man with everything I have, with everything I am.”
“Still?” asked Doc.
Kitty sighed. “Yes. But he doesn’t love me anymore, Doc. I know it.”
“Tell me how you know it, why you can’t see you could be wrong about this,” said Doc gently, squeezing her hand.
Tears filled her eyes and she looked away. “He hasn’t touched me in three months, Doc. We haven’t made love in three months.” She pulled her hand away and turned her back to Doc. It was her last humiliation.
Doc was at a loss. “Kitty… Kitty, that’s not unusual for a lot of couples.”
“Well, it’s unusual for us, Doc. When Matt’s in town, we have always made love at least three times a week, sometimes four or five, every time we can manage it.” She turned to see the startled look on Doc’s face. Once, she would have laughed at that look. “You didn’t know about that?”
“I knew you were both still… vital,” he said. “And that you both still enjoyed being together physically.”
Kitty smiled in spite of the sad state of her relationship with Matt. Doc had such trouble talking about sex.
No, Doc hadn’t known for sure they still made love that often. Oh, he had suspected it – the physical aspect of their relationship had always been important to them – but they had gotten better at covering that desire over the years. Still, Matt was often found in Kitty’s room when someone in town needed him. There was a time neither of them could deny those looks they gave each other, or cover the lust in both sets of blue eyes. Doc saw it all, and he knew at times it was the sex that had kept them going through all the bad times. He knew that part had always been good between them. A man and a woman with the kind of sexual tension they shared, well, it couldn’t be hidden away completely.
When Doc met Kitty’s eyes, she smiled. “You didn’t know it was still that way between us?”
“I thought it might be, but for most couples it simmers down some as time goes by.”
“It hasn’t for us, Doc, not before… this happened. So now you know the biggest reason of all, Doc – the biggest reason I know he’s turned to another woman.”
“Kitty, couples go through all sorts of stages, and men go through things all on their own…”
“Matt Dillon is as vital in bed today as he’s ever been, Doc. And I enjoy making love with Matt just as much as I always have. Nothing has changed there. If anything, our lovemaking has gotten even better over the years.” Her eyes clouded over. “And if the problem was just sex, Doc, Matt would have felt comfortable making suggestions to me. We’ve always experimented….”
“Okay, Kitty, fine,” said Doc. He didn’t need to hear more about that right now. Kitty had always been able to talk about sex as easily as if she were sharing a pie recipe, at least with him. Doc had been shocked at some of the things she had told him in the past. But even when Doc turned it toward a medical discussion, he wasn’t as comfortable talking about it as Kitty was. It amazed him, and sometimes it amused him. Maybe it was the ex-saloon girl in her, but Kitty didn’t mind a candid conversation. She had probably had many of them with her girls at the Long Branch. But he also knew Kitty sure enjoyed making love with her Cowboy. Kitty had mentioned it to Doc several times over the years. Doc turned away. He felt a blush creep up his neck just thinking about it.
“I’m sorry, Doc.” Kitty realized she had said too much. For a doctor, Doc sometimes shied away from talking about the most basic things.
“Kitty, I’m sure it isn’t the… lovemaking that is the problem here,” said Doc, trying to pull the conversation back to normal talk.
Kitty grinned, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Although, I guess we can never be sure about anything, Doc.”
“That’s right, and don’t you forget what you just said.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You can’t be sure any of this supposition is true,” said Doc.
“Doc…”
“I don’t doubt the facts, Kitty – that he’s not paying you any attention, that he’s staying away from the Long Branch, that he turned down your invitations. But unless and until I hear differently from Matt Dillon himself, I will not believe he’s seeing another woman. That’s not in his nature.”
Kitty nodded, and the moisture returned to her eyes, but this time she didn’t turn away from Doc. “I know.”
“You know?” he asked.
She nodded. “I know it’s not in his nature, but I can’t come to any other conclusion, Doc. This is not like anything we’ve been through together. He’s been busy before, and he’s been sidetracked. He’s taken me for granted, and he’s kept me waiting. For the most part, I’ve gotten used to all that. But this time it’s different.” She swallowed hard. “And because you care about Matt, you refuse to believe the worst. But you haven’t been through the last three months with me, day to day, hurt by hurt. You still believe in him.”
Doc had to turn away this time. The raw hurt in Kitty’s eyes made Doc hurt in a very real way. “What you say is true, Kitty,” he said, not turning to face her. “I do care about Matt, and I do believe in him. But no more than I care for you or believe in you, and you remember that.”
“I know that, Doc,” she whispered.
“Tell me something, Kitty.” He turned back to face her. There was something he had to know. “Can you tell me right now that you honestly don’t believe in Matt anymore?”
Kitty stared back at Doc for some time before answering. “For eighteen years, I’ve had reason to believe in him, Doc. No matter what, I have always been there for him, and with him – through everything. He’s always known I was there, and I felt it mattered. Right now, I feel alone. I feel he’s deserted me.” She blinked back the tears that seemed to come from nowhere these days. “But even with that, I can’t say I don’t believe in him, Doc – not yet. He has to tell me about her first. And he has to tell me he doesn’t love me or need me any longer. Then I’ll know for sure it’s over. I guess I’m waiting for that moment to believe it’s real, too.”
Doc nodded, but the sadness he felt underscored anything positive he could say. If this were any other couple, and Kitty were any other woman, he would understand all this. But this was a couple unlike any other, and he wasn’t going to believe anything Kitty had just told him until he knew for himself it was true. And that would be when Matt Dillon said it was true. That’s what Doc needed to make any of this real for him.
Doc walked over and put his empty glass on the sideboard. He was suddenly spent. He didn’t know where he would find the energy to get back to his bed, but he would find it somewhere.
Kitty had just told him she felt alone.
Doc had never felt more alone in his life than he did right now.
Doc pulled his coat tighter around him and made his way down the street to the marshal’s office. It wasn’t far, but with this wind and rain, and his old bones to boot, he was getting to where he couldn’t take it much at all anymore. He tried to push that thought from his mind – being a doctor meant he didn’t have a choice. He had to go where and when his patients needed him.
Leaving Kitty a few minutes ago had been difficult. He didn’t want to leave her alone with her feeling the way she did, but he couldn’t change any of that for her, and he had to find out the other side of the story. He told himself it was time to head straight back to bed and go talk to Matt in the morning, but his feet hadn’t listened to his brain and he was headed down the street to see Matt.
Doc pushed open the door to the marshal’s office and looked around. “Matt?” He didn’t see anyone, but the door to the jail cells were open. “Matt, are you in there?”
“Doc?” Festus walked out of the first cell and into the main office, pulling his galluses up over his shoulders as he went. “What’re you a-doin’ here at this hour, Doc?”
“Where’s Matt, Festus?”
“Is somethin’ wrong, Doc?”
“No, no, I want to talk to him is all.”
“Well, he ain’t here, Doc. An’ it’s almost the middle of the night. Did ya’ git called out to doctor somebody agin’?” asked Festus.
“No. I just came from the Long Branch. And if it’s so late, what are you doing still up?”
“Well, I had ta’ make the late night rounds Matthew asked me to make while he’s gone, Doc, and I was jist now a-goin’ to lay myself down for some shuteye. I thought you was sa’ blamed tared this mornin’ and here you are still up. Are you off-schedule agin’?”
Doc rubbed his moustache with his hand. It seemed everyone knew when he got “off-schedule” anymore. Kitty had asked him the same thing earlier. Sure he had been off-schedule since this morning – or was it now yesterday morning since he got back to Dodge after his all-night excursion? Doc couldn’t keep up with such things anymore, and it didn’t matter anyway.
“If Matt’s not here, where is he, Festus?”
“He had to go to Hays, but he said this time it wouldn’t take long. Fact is, I thought it was Matthew coming in the door jist now when it was you.”
“I see. What’s he running off to Hays for all the time lately anyway?” asked Doc. Maybe he could at least find out something from Festus.
“Testifying in court cases, Doc. Matthew says he has to testify at the trials of a bunch a cattle rustlers they’ve been a-bringin’ in one at a time. He says it’ll take time to get ‘em all, but the sheriff there and his deputies are a-workin’ on it. Matthew was there when this here gang rustled the biggest head of ‘em between here and Hays about a year back, so he has to go testify whenever they bring another’n in.” Festus started for the stove. “I’ll heat up yesturdy’s coffee fer ya’, Doc,” said Festus.
“Don’t bother, Festus. I’m headed for bed. I haven’t seen Matt around much lately, so I thought I’d check on him,” said Doc, turning for the door. But he stopped, sensing there was something else Festus wanted to say. He turned back. “What is it, Festus?”
Festus was looking at the floor. “Well, Matthew shore ain’t been hisself much lately, Doc. I hope you do talk to him and make him see somethin’s way off.” Festus closed his mouth, but then seemed resolved to add more. “And Miss Kitty….”
“What about Kitty?” asked Doc.
“Well, I think she’s got herself all worried about him, too, Doc.” Festus wanted to add something else, but maybe he would wait until he knew more about what was going on.
Doc didn’t want to get into it with Festus, particularly at this hour. He knew he wouldn’t leave with any more information than he already had, and he sure didn’t feel like talking to Festus about Kitty right now. “I’ll stop back in sometime tomorrow, Festus. You get some sleep yourself.”
“Shore will, Doc. I hope you kin do the same,” said Festus, as Doc left for home.
The night was even colder than it had been a few minutes before, Doc thought, as he headed for his office, and his bed. He wasn’t sure whether it was the temperature or the things he’d been hearing about that chilled him to the bone. Still, he couldn’t believe what Kitty told him. Oh, he knew it made a certain kind of sense, at least it would if it concerned any other man. But Doc still had to hear it from Matt. He would ask Matt directly, and Matt would get mad and tell Doc he was interfering in something that wasn’t his business.
But Doc didn’t see it that way at all. Kitty Russell and her health and well-being was Doc’s business, as was the health and well-being of the town marshal.
And that was all there was to it.
The following morning, Doc had an early cup of coffee in his office while he caught up in his journal. He had doctored four patients in all yesterday, and he had to make sure his notes were up-to-date before it all got away from him. With his mind so sidetracked this morning, it had taken him more time than usual to get all the information down just right. But finally, he slipped the last book back onto the shelf. He had filled up dozens of journals over the years since his time as doctor in Dodge City had first begun. Most of the journals were put away now, at least those that went back more than five years. He kept them all, though. He never knew when he would have to go back and look at something, some symptom someone had, or a remedy he gave someone years ago.
There were four journals pertaining just to the town marshal, three of which were full, but Doc kept all of them close by. The fourth didn’t have too far to go before it was full, too. Doc sighed. He knew every bone in Matt Dillon’s body, where every bullet wound was, where each one had entered his body and exited, and he knew about every scar. He knew why Matt’s slight limp would worsen as the years passed, why the left side of his neck would always be a bit too sensitive right above the collarbone, and he knew why a quarter of Matt Dillon’s fingernail on the third finger of his left hand was missing and would never grow back. He knew everything there was to know about Matt Dillon’s body, but he would never understand a lot of what went on in his mind.
Doc glanced at the last book on the shelf, the one right next to the four that belonged to Matt Dillon. Kitty had graduated to her own journal over a dozen years ago, the first time he had dug a bullet out of her. Being the marshal’s woman was a hazard, and Doc had filled several pages in it already, more than half of it, in fact. Kitty had been kidnapped, beaten, and had even worse done to her over the years. He had pulled three bullets out of her so far, tended to fractured ribs, bruises, and more than that. Not all, but most, was in some way directly linked to her being the marshal’s woman. And yet she never complained, never once said she wouldn’t stay with Matt because of it. In fact, Doc knew she was damned proud of being Matt’s woman. When Kitty left Matt all those times in the past, it wasn’t because she couldn’t take what being his woman did to her, it was that she couldn’t take what wearing that badge did to him. She couldn’t sit right with the idea of losing him to another man’s bullet. She’d told Doc once, though, that she’d discovered living without Matt when he was alive was as hard as she imagined it to be if he were dead. And so, she always came back.
He remembered the day Kitty had come to his office and they had been talking about something, when she suddenly stopped mid-sentence. He was pouring coffee, and when he looked up to see what the trouble was, she was staring at the journal with her name on it. It had never occurred to him to hide it from her, and he never would. Matt knew all about his journals, although they didn’t interest him much. Matt took every day as it came.
“What is it, Kitty?” he’d asked her, knowing what she was looking at, but not what she was thinking.
“It looks like I’ve gone from being an ordinary Dodge City citizen to a more important one, at least in the eyes of the town doctor,” she’d said, with a hint of amusement in her voice.
Doc was happy she was taking it in stride. “Oh, you’re important, all right,” he’d said. “So I figured it was time to give you your own book.”
She had continued to stare at it, and Doc figured it probably was a bit much taking it all in the first time without warning. He hadn’t given it thought from her perspective, but getting her own book meant Doc had treated her enough times to warrant it.
“It helps me to be able to look something up quickly that pertains to you,” he’d told her. He couldn’t read her expression, so he said, “You’re welcome to look at it, Kitty. It’s just your medical history and some notes.”
But Kitty shook her head and turned away. “No thanks, Doc. I’ve lived it. I don’t need to read about it.” Then she went on as though nothing had happened.
Afterward, Doc thought about it and understood more about how she felt. Kitty rarely got sick, so outside of a couple stagecoach accidents, most of those notes were about the other times, times she’d suffered at the hands of someone out to get Matt, or to do harm to what belonged to him. In fact, the more Doc thought about it, the more he felt he should have warned her somehow before putting that journal on the shelf. It hadn’t bothered Matt to see his, but Matt had already lived longer than he’d expected to. Things like that didn’t much matter to Matt. He took things in stride, one day at a time.
But the most important thing of all, and what Doc thought about when his eye went to those journals on his shelf, is that Matt and Kitty had lived through everything Life had thrown at them so far. As long as those journals were sitting there, they were still alive, and proof that goodness and perseverance were important.
Doc shook his head and walked over to fill his mug again. There were no two ways about it – coffee just tasted better when it was in a cup and saucer. Or, maybe it tasted better when Kitty served it to him. Either way, it was better at the Long Branch. He would stop over there later. Maybe. He had to find out what Matt had to say first.
Taking a sip from his mug, Doc looked out his window. Front Street was already full of cowboys, and women walking to the dry goods store do their morning shopping. The dress shop was already busy, and Doc knew Kitty usually had some new dress being made there. She did all right at the Long Branch, and even though Matt rarely noticed when she wore something different, Kitty loved new clothes. Doc understood that. She looked mighty good in them, too.
Doc brushed his moustache with his hand, and turned away from the window. Kitty. What in the world would make her think… but he knew. Kitty was a woman and she needed some attention, although over the years she had done with less of it than most women got from their man. Kitty needed to know Matt still loved her, and that was the long and the short of it.
Doc took out his pocket watch and looked at it. It was nearly 9:00 a.m., and time he paid a visit to the town marshal. He couldn’t put it off anymore. The longer he waited, the more he dreaded it. But he was still as sure as he was yesterday that Matt Dillon wasn’t seeing another woman, and that Matt didn’t love Kitty any less than he ever had. Sure, something wasn’t right – but Doc was going to get to the bottom of it.
Before the day was over, both Matt and Kitty would more than likely be mad at him, but he sure hoped the end of the day would also bring about the truth of what was going on around here. Doc couldn’t take it anymore when things weren’t as they should be. He’d rather they be mad at him for interfering. At least he could sleep nights.
Putting the mug down, Doc pulled on his heavy coat and tugged the collar up around his neck. It was time to get this over with. Doc grabbed his hat and left the office, and started down the street to see Matt Dillon.
The distance between here and there had never been so great.
Doc opened the door to the marshal’s office. Matt was sitting at the table, cleaning his Colt. Some things never changed, and this was what Doc was counting on today.
Matt looked up. “Morning, Doc,” said Matt.
Doc shut the door behind him and shivered. “Morning, Matt,” he said.
“Help yourself to some coffee over there. It’s even somewhat fresh.”
“Thanks, I will,” said Doc. He had already had plenty of coffee this morning, but it gave him something to do. “You got back from Hays last night then?”
“Yeah, well, it was close to morning, but I guess you could say it was last night,” said Matt.
“You want some of this coffee?” asked Doc.
“No thanks, Doc, I’ve had plenty. That’s the second pot.”
Matt seemed just fine to Doc. At least he talked about coffee the same as always, and his voice and manner seemed normal.
“Festus tells me the reason you’ve been out and about a lot in the last few weeks is because of a bunch of court cases in Hays,” said Doc, sipping the coffee and warming his other hand by the stove.
Matt sighed. “Yeah, and I’m getting tired of running back and forth, Doc. I’ve had to testify in six cases in the last month. It shouldn’t take much longer, though. Yesterday, they caught the two men who were in charge of that gang, and it looks like I might have to go back for only one or two more trials. They want to prosecute the rest of them all at once, if they can.”
Doc didn’t know the whole story, but he nodded. Normally, he would ask a bunch of questions about it, but today he just didn’t care. What he did care about was a lot closer to home than what was going on in Hays City.
“So that’s why you’ve been so busy lately,” murmured Doc.
“Well, that, plus a couple of outlaws I’ve been chasing. And I’m getting new Wanted posters in about every day now, rather than a couple of times a week like it’s always been. And on top of that, there is a lot more paperwork to do these days, and I can hardly keep up with it all. And you know how I feel about paperwork!” said Matt.
Doc nodded and sat in the chair opposite Matt. He watched Matt put the Colt back together, knowing it was something Matt could do in his sleep.
“Now why don’t you tell me what this is about, Doc,” said Matt.
“What do you mean?” asked Doc.
Matt gave Doc a look. “What’s the interrogation for, Doc? You’ve never been this interested in my job before now.”
“Oh, I just wondered what all has been happening in your world, Matt…”
“Doc…”
“…to make you completely ignore Kitty.” He took a sip of his coffee. There was no easy way to get into this.
Matt looked at Doc. “Ignore Kitty? What are you talking about, Doc?”
Doc looked Matt in the eye. “You mean you really don’t know?”
“Evidently not. But I’ll tell you one thing, whatever it is, it’s none of your business!” Matt unfolded himself from the chair and shoved his revolver back in the holster on his right hip, then returned the cleaning items to the box he kept them in and slammed the lid shut.
Doc nodded calmly. “One might think it isn’t my business, that’s true, Matt. But I spent an hour with Kitty in her room late last night.”
“Yeah, well, that can be taken more than one way, Doc,” said Matt, as he stalked over to the coffee pot.
“I thought you didn’t want any coffee,” said Doc.
“I don’t! But I need to have something to do to keep my hands busy!”
“Fine, fine,” said Doc calmly. He knew Matt would react this way, but there wasn’t anything Doc could do to make this easier. “Matt, the fact of the matter is something has been bothering you. Now, if what you’ve just told me is everything, why haven’t you shared any of this with Kitty?”
“Doc…”
“Just listen to me a minute, Matt.” Doc waited a moment for Matt to calm down before continuing. “You’ve not been doing your best by her lately, Matt. Now, she is a woman in a million, and I know you know it. She has stood by you through more than any woman would stand by any other ordinary man. But you’ve always shared your troubles with her, kept her a part of your life. That’s all she needs. Kitty isn’t greedy. She knows you need your space, and she’s always given you that, just as you’ve given it to her. She’s always been there for you, Matt, no matter what. All she asks for in return is to feel she’s a part of your life. And lately, well… lately, you haven’t been sharing your life with her.”
Doc gave Matt time to consider his words. Matt was standing near the stove, staring into his coffee mug.
“You haven’t been talking to her, Matt. You haven’t been telling her your troubles, or what they mean to you. She told me she has hardly seen you in weeks.”
“We’ve gone through long periods of not seeing each other before, Doc,” said Matt softly.
“But not when you and she are both in town, Matt! And she said when she does see you, you’re in some other world, staring off into space.”
“There’s just been so much lately, Doc. I can barely keep up with it.” Matt sighed. “Rather than bother Kitty with it, I’ve tried to push it away. It’s been a bit overwhelming is all.” He looked out the window onto Front Street. “Trying to keep up with what’s been happening in Hays, in Dodge, and all this paperwork….”
“I understand, Matt, I do. We all get overwhelmed sometimes.”
“Yeah, well, I used to be able to handle it a whole lot better, Doc. I don’t know… I guess as time goes by I’m just getting old, and things are getting harder to manage.”
Doc looked into his coffee cup. There was that word again. “Well, imagine how Kitty feels. She told me she’s getting older, too.”
“We all are, Doc. We all are. And it’s all right as long as we can keep up with everything!”
“Well it’s different for a woman, Matt. She starts questioning all kinds of things.”
“What are you talking about, Doc?” Matt walked back over to the table.
Doc took a deep breath. He finally had Matt’s attention. “Kitty says she’s asked you out on several dates in the last few weeks, but you refused her each time.”
“I didn’t ‘refuse’ her, Doc! I told her I couldn’t do it, not then, not when she asked me. I was just too busy.”
Doc nodded. “But what did you tell her?”
“What do you think I told her? I told her I was too busy, Doc!” Matt moved away, back to the window again, and looked out.
Doc knew Matt was feeling closed in, captured and made to have this conversation. And he didn’t like it when Doc interfered, true, but that was just too bad.
Doc also knew he was the only one who could get away with interrogating Matt like this. He wasn’t sure how it would come out in the end, but it needed to be done.
Matt turned. “Look, Doc, I don’t know why Kitty even mentioned any of this to you, and I don’t know what business it is of yours, but Kitty should have talked to me about it, not you!”
Doc pushed his chair back and casually crossed his legs. He looked across the room at Matt. “She didn’t want to tell me about any of this, Matt. I had to drag it out of her. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere until she told me everything.” He took a sip of his coffee. At least it was hot. “I was prepared to sleep on the floor, if I had to.”
Matt muttered something Doc didn’t understand, but at least he was listening.
“She says she has tried to talk to you, Matt, several times in fact, but you have ignored her, rebuffed her, walked out on her, refused her.”
“Doc, I would never treat Kitty…”
“Matt, she can’t get through to you. She can’t even get your attention. She says you have Festus check on the Long Branch during rounds, which is something you’ve never trusted anyone else to do. She hardly sees you anymore.”
“I look in at the Long Branch, Doc. I check on it, and on Kitty. She just doesn’t always know about it.”
“Why doesn’t she?” asked Doc.
“Why doesn’t she what, Doc?” asked Matt.
“Why doesn’t she know you check on her well-being? Maybe that’s all it would take to make her feel things are all right.”
Matt sighed. But it was another minute before he could answer. “It’s true, Doc. I’ve asked Festus to check on the Long Branch during rounds. And I haven’t had much extra time to stop in to have a drink with her. And you’re right that I haven’t been much company, or shared any of this with Kitty, Doc. I just… it just got to be too much, and it was… like I said, overwhelming. It seemed easier to get on with things and maybe everything would get better, settle down.”
“Why didn’t you want her to know you’ve been feeling this way, Matt?” asked Doc gently.
“Why is it you and Kitty always want to talk about feelings anyway, Doc! Maybe this has more to do with actual work than it has to do with my feelings about the work!”
Doc shook his head. Matt didn’t want to let go of his frustration with Doc, but that was okay. He would eventually. “No, I don’t think so, Matt,” said Doc.
“Doc…”
“No, I think you being the kind of man you are, it’s just pride, Matt. You didn’t want to admit to Kitty that something’s overwhelming you – especially not something to do with your job. This is all new for you, and it’s… well, it’s frightening in its own way and maybe you’ve needed time to think about it, Matt. That’s fine. I can understand that – but it’s not something you should have kept from Kitty, not this long.”
“I’ve not been ‘keeping it from Kitty,’ Doc,” said Matt. “I just didn’t want to talk about it! Sometimes a man needs time to himself to think!” He took a deep breath and put down his coffee cup. Finally, he took another breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “But you’re right that I’ve been questioning my own ability to do my job,” he finished softly. Then he started to pace again. “And I’m still questioning it, Doc. I keep thinking when all this business is finished in Hays and I can just concentrate on Dodge again, I’ll feel better about it, and things will get back to normal.”
“And maybe that is all it’ll take, Matt. It’s okay to tell Kitty that. She’ll not think any less of you, you know that.”
“Yeah, but I’ve been thinking less of me, Doc.”
Doc was quiet. There it was, the reason for all this. It was hard for any man to admit his failings, but Matt Dillon was a proud man, one of the proudest Doc had ever known, and a good marshal on top of that. “You know you can tell Kitty anything,” said Doc. “Nothing shocks her or surprises her, and she would offer to help you in any way she could.”
Matt nodded. He knew nothing surprised Kitty. He also knew she wouldn’t think any less of him or love him less, no matter what. “I couldn’t tell her about it, Doc. You’re the first person I’ve told, and I’m not happy about telling you.”
“You think people close to you can’t see that something’s the matter, Matt? Even Festus knows something isn’t right. And Sam…”
“Sam will protect Kitty,” said Matt. “No matter what, Doc, Sam watches over Kitty.” That was something Matt knew he could always count on.
Doc softened his tone even more. “That’s true, Matt. Thank God Sam watches out for her. I watch out for her, too, and so does Festus and Newly… and a whole lot more people than you probably realize. We all love Kitty and care about her, and even though we know she’s awful good at taking care of herself when she needs to, we like to know she’s not wanting for anything. But you know, none of that matters to Kitty. She only cares about you, Matt, and how she fits into your life. She needs to know when it all comes down to it, you’re still her man, and she’s still your woman. That’s all she needs, all she’s needed for the last eighteen or so years. You know that. But do you think she’s had faith in that lately?”
“She knows how I feel about her, Doc. Nothing has changed,” said Matt. Matt sat on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms. But he looked at his feet.
“When’s the last time you told her you love her, Matt?” asked Doc.
Matt stood and started pacing again. “See, Doc, now that is none of your business! That is between me and Kitty.”
Doc nodded, thoughtfully. “Maybe so. But you think about how long it’s been Matt, and ask yourself if it’s time to maybe mention it to her again.”
“I don’t think telling a woman you love her every day is necessary, Doc!”
“Oh, probably not, and I wouldn’t expect you to have to do that, not with Kitty. But if it’s been awhile, Matt, you might want to give it some thought. Women need a little attention every now and then,” Doc said softly. “Even Kitty.”
Matt was quiet for a moment, but then he suddenly turned to Doc. “What is it you’re not saying, Doc?”
“What?”
“There’s something else behind all this. What is it?” asked Matt.
Doc sighed.
“Now, I’ve listened to all this talk, Doc, but there’s something else you’re not telling me. And since you’re so determined we get all this out in the open, I want to know what it is.”
Doc took a breath and looked Matt in the eye. “Kitty thinks you’re seeing another woman, Matt.”
Matt looked across the room at Doc in astonishment. “Another woman? What in the …!”
“In Hays, maybe. Not here in Dodge.”
“Doc, I can’t seem to pay enough attention to the one I’ve got! Why the devil would I want another one?”
Doc was more relieved than he would ever have guessed at Matt’s reaction. This was the Matt Dillon he knew, the one who was true to his one and only woman. He looked down at his coffee cup so Matt wouldn’t see the grin that had appeared on his face. “I know, Matt,” Doc said, as sullenly as he could manage. “I know. But women are… well, women…”
Matt moved around the room and ran his fingers through his hair again. “Yeah, women.” Matt took a long, deep breath and stopped near his desk, with his back to Doc. “There’s no one else, Doc. There’ll never be anyone else for me but Kitty. You know that.”
“I do, Matt, I do.”
“Kitty knows that, too,” said Matt.
Doc thought about his answer. “Matt, just imagine, if I need to be reminded of it from time to time, don’t you think Kitty does?”
Matt turned to Doc and opened his mouth. But then he shut it again and sat back down on his desk. He closed his eyes. As overwhelmed as he was with everything else, he thought the one place things were fine was with Kitty. That part of his life was good, and had been for a long time. But as Doc’s words echoed in his mind, he began to see things from Kitty’s point of view. It was true he hadn’t talked about any of this with her. He thought he could keep that part of his life with Kitty in a separate, safe, place. Matt Dillon never considered the fact that his life with Kitty was directly related to his life upholding the law. She was supposed to be in a different compartment in his life, protected. But looking back, he had always included her in his business, told her about his job. He had always told her of his problems and the situations he came across in his line of work. He’d even asked for her help on many occasions.
So, what was the difference between then and now? Realization flashed into Matt’s eyes, and he stood and paced the space in front of his desk. He rubbed his face, then went over to the water basin and threw water on his face and neck. Toweling the water off, he went back to his desk. But he was too bothered by everything he had just heard, and frustrated with what he was thinking about now, to sit, so he threw the towel on his desk and paced some more.
Doc watched it all calmly. He knew this was Matt’s way when he had to think things through, especially things that mattered, and most especially when he hadn’t been on top of something.
Matt thought about how he had been sending Festus to check on Kitty and the Long Branch. It wasn’t Festus’s job, it was Matt’s. He told himself he did it to take some of the strain off his mind, but the truth was he couldn’t face Kitty. He couldn’t let her know he was feeling overwhelmed. Doc was right – Matt was a proud man, and he didn’t want Kitty to know he was suddenly having trouble keeping up with the demands of his job. The honest truth of it was Matt had spent a lot of time lately feeling weak, like less of a man – and that wasn’t something that set well with Matt Dillon. Feeling like less of a man at his job also made him feel he was being less of a man to Kitty. And it hurt his pride to admit that to himself, let alone to her.
Matt had never planned to live this long. He knew it, Kitty knew it, and Doc knew it. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to. Maybe this is what happened when a lawman lived past his prime.
But not sharing the problems of these last weeks with Kitty had made her question the kind of man he was, and whether she was all he needed. And when it came down to it, having her be sure of him was more important than his hurt pride. Matt liked to kid Kitty that her pride would someday be her undoing. Maybe it would be his undoing instead – if he didn’t do something about it first.
Matt was suddenly aware of Doc still sitting across the way, calmly drinking his coffee.
“Doc…” Matt took a deep breath. “Doc, I haven’t been doing a very good job of taking care of things at home.”
“No, no you haven’t, Matt. But you’re human. It’s allowed.”
“No, I’ve been wrong, Doc. All Kitty wants is to be a part of my life. All those other things she used to want… she knew I couldn’t give them to her. And over time, we’ve come to an understanding – one I’ve trusted to always stay strong, and be in place. But I’ve let her down this time, and I can’t lose her now, Doc.”
“No one said anything about you losing her, Matt. It’s not too late. You know Kitty. You just need to tell her what you’ve told me,” said Doc.
Matt shook his head. “Kitty’s gotten mad at me for a lot of things over the years, Doc, but she’s always let me know it. This time she’s been quiet about it – which can’t be easy for a redhead.”
Doc smiled into his coffee cup. Both he and Matt knew what a redhead’s temper was like, especially this particular redhead.
“She’s not mad, Matt. She told me that. She’s not mad at you. But she’s hurt, and she thinks she’s the one who’s lost you. She thinks you’ve been going to Hays to see another woman.”
Matt started pacing again. “Kitty knows better than to think I would want another woman, Doc. We’ve… well, we’ve settled into something that’s the best it’s ever been. There’s no one else like her. In fact, every other woman I meet just makes me want to get home to Kitty all the more.”
Doc nodded. “Other women make me appreciate her more, too, Matt. And Kitty even admitted to me she knows you better than to believe you’re seeing another woman – but it was the only conclusion she could come up with.” He paused. “This feeling she’s lost you isn’t really about you, though, Matt. It’s about her.”
“I don’t understand, Doc,” said Matt. He was becoming more and more frustrated with all this talk.
Doc watched Matt closely. “Matt, Kitty’s gotten older, too, and she is blaming herself for not being, well, young enough to keep another woman from taking you away from her.”
Matt looked at Doc for a long moment, then shook his head. “I just don’t understand all this, Doc.”
“You told me the fact you’re getting older is bothering you, Matt. That’s what it boils down to. Now how do you think getting older is affecting Kitty? Women are afraid of that, Matt, even Kitty. She thinks she hasn’t been enough for you. She has been blaming herself for letting you get away.”
Matt started to pace again. “Doc, I know for a fact there are as many men interested in Kitty now as there ever have been.”
“Oh you’ve noticed, have you?” asked Doc. But he’d said that for effect only. He wanted Matt to think about it sometime.
When Matt turned to make a comment, Doc continued. “I know Kitty is still attractive to other men, and you know that, but Kitty doesn’t care about that. She just cares about how you see her, Matt. And you’ve not been making her feel like a… well, like a woman lately. And certainly not like your woman.”
Matt stopped to stare at Doc. “But that’s just plain crazy, Doc! Kitty is… well… she’s the kindest person there is, as long as you don’t cross her. She’s smart, she’s still the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen, and the best lover a man could ever want… Doc, she can make a man feel…”
“I’m sure she can, Matt,” said Doc. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear any more about Kitty making love to Matt. He was even more surprised that Matt Dillon had mentioned it.
But Matt didn’t notice Doc had cut him off. “She’s special. There’s no one like her, Doc,” he said softly.
“I know that, Matt.”
“She puts everyone else first, and you know she’s always put me first, even the times I’ve not deserved it.”
“I know that, too, Matt,” said Doc. He would let Matt think through whatever he needed to.
When Matt started to pace again, and didn’t say more, Doc said, “She says you haven’t made love to her in three months.”
Matt stopped. “Well, you and Kitty sure covered a lot of ground in her room last night, didn’t you, Doc!”
Doc shrugged. “It was the last thing I was able to drag out of her before I left her, Matt,” said Doc.
Matt turned his back to Doc and thought some more. Had it really been three months? Three months? Where had the time gone? He and Kitty had never gone three months before… well, there were a couple of times when he had been away trying to capture some outlaw or another, but that hadn’t happened in a long time.
Suddenly, Matt understood just how long he had been caught up in his own problems, and waiting for things to get better. This was not how he did things at all. He had to turn this around and talk to Kitty. He knew there were times when she had slow months at the Long Branch and it worried her, and he had also known her to be so busy some months she could hardly get a breath. But she never complained, and she got through them all. He even remembered once when he asked her how she was holding up (he couldn’t remember if it was a busy month or a slow one), she had smiled tiredly at him and said everything was suddenly all right. She had poured them both a drink and looked at him in that way she had that told him he was everything to her. They had also ended up making love that night….
Matt realized how much he missed her. All of a sudden, he missed Kitty something awful. He always knew she was there, and he depended on that. He hadn’t realized how long he had been fighting this battle he thought he’d been losing in everyday life – the mail, the paperwork, having to go to Hays so often, on top of all the everyday things like breaking up fights, and things he couldn’t even remember right now. But he hadn’t let in the one person who could have made a difference, who always made a difference. This woman who gave so much never asked for a lot in return – just an occasional acknowledgment, a touch, a word. And he hadn’t taken care of her.
While he still thought Kitty should know better than to think any other woman could catch his eye, he also realized he hadn’t been doing his job where she was concerned, either. He couldn’t blame her if she doubted him. They needed to give to each other, be there for each other, and help each other through all the difficult times. They had always done that, but he had failed her this time.
Matt Dillon headed for the door and grabbed his hat from the hook beside it.
“Where are you going, Matt” asked Doc, rising.
“To see Kitty.”
“Well, you can’t tell her I told you about…”
“It’ll just be between the three of us, Doc,” said Matt as he opened the door and left for the Long Branch.
Doc brushed his moustache with his hand. Oh, well. He did what he had to do, and Kitty could just be mad at him if she wanted to. At least Doc was getting all this sorted out and in the open, thank God. And he had watched the realization dawn in Matt’s eyes. Now Matt would go over there and take care of all Kitty’s doubts. He would let her know everything was all right.
In fact, Doc wanted to see that happen. He put on his coat and hat, and left Matt’s office for the Long Branch. As he walked down the street, he pulled his collar up against the wind. He would sure be glad when things were back to the way they oughta be and he wouldn’t have to run around in this terrible weather so much.
More than anything else, though, he just wanted a decent night’s sleep.
Matt Dillon walked into the Long Branch. No one was about except Sam, who was unpacking some whiskey glasses behind the bar. But it was early. The Long Branch hadn’t been open long.
“Sam, Kitty around?” asked Matt.
Sam looked up. “She just took something to her office, marshal, but she’ll be right back.”
“I need to see her,” said Matt, starting for Kitty’s office. Doc came into the saloon and walked quietly over to where Sam stood at the bar. Doc didn’t want to intrude, but he wouldn’t miss this for the world.
Just then, the door marked PRIVATE opened and Kitty came out. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Matt, but closed the door behind her calmly and took a deep breath. She took a couple of steps toward him.
“Well. Hello Matt. Can I get you some coffee, or a beer?” she said in an even, if forced, voice.
Matt stopped a couple of feet from her, but he could see the flash of fear in her eyes, and he knew everything Doc had just told him was true. Kitty really thought he could walk away from her. She thought he could leave her behind after all they’d been through together. That fear existed because he hadn’t been doing right by her.
Matt closed the distance between them, took her by the shoulders, and looked deep into her eyes. “Kitty, we need to talk.” The pain he saw there shook him to his core, and Matt didn’t shake easily. He was the cause of it. And even though they had never needed many words to communicate, this time they needed a few more of them. He had to explain himself to her. He had to overcome his stubborn pride and admit to Kitty he hadn’t felt like much of a marshal, or a man, lately. Matt knew Doc was right that Kitty wouldn’t think less of him, but more than anything else, he knew Kitty understood all about pride.
“Kitty, you can have your doubts about me for a lot of things, and I know there are times I disappoint you. But never doubt that you are the only woman for me,” he said softly. “I still need you, Kitty. I still need you.” He looked deeper into her eyes, and felt the wall she had put up between them disintegrate. The questions in her eyes began to disappear. They had always been able to talk to each other this way first, and he was relieved to see she still understood him. Matt was a man of few words, and he’d never been able to change that, as aggravating as he knew it was to Kitty. She had tried to accept it for eighteen years, and she had gotten as good at understanding it as anyone could, but this time he had failed her.
Kitty’s eyes filled with tears. One fell onto her cheek and Matt gently wiped it away with his thumb. As he pulled her close and held her, Festus ran into the Long Branch, looking for Matt.
“Matthew!”
Matt pulled back when he heard the alarm in Festus’s voice.
“Matthew!” Festus saw Matt across the way. “Matthew! There’s trouble at Ma Smalley’s. That there cowboy I told ya’ about last night when you come in from Hays is causin’ a ruckus!”
Matt took a deep breath and looked at Kitty.
“Go,” she whispered.
“Kitty…”
“Go,” she said, more firmly this time.
The look on her face, and the love he saw in her eyes, told Matt everything he needed to know. He hadn’t lost her. He would explain, and then do whatever it took to make things right with her.
“I need to tell you some things when I get back,” he said.
“I’ll be here,” she said softly.
Kitty smiled at him the way she always smiled at him, and his heart melted. He thought about how it had been a long time since he’d felt this good, and that Kitty was the only woman who had ever been able to make him feel this way.
Matt took off after Festus, turning back at the batwing doors to take a last look at Kitty before he disappeared outside. He grinned when she waved him on.
Doc drifted toward the doors, but didn’t quite make it in time.
“Oh no you don’t, Curly,” said Kitty, from where she still stood.
Doc turned. He had to find some reason to get out of here. He noticed Sam had quietly started back to work and looked very busy all of a sudden. “Kitty, …now, I know how this seems to you…”
“How about some coffee?” she asked in her sweetest voice.
“Well…” Doc had already had more than enough coffee. But he looked at the special woman across the room, and he just couldn’t resist her, especially since her expression told him she wasn’t mad. “In a cup and saucer?” he asked, his eyes twinkling.
“Is there any other way?” She grinned at him and headed toward their favorite table.
Doc brushed his moustache with his hand. Kitty’s voice was no longer strained the way it had been last night. This was the Kitty he knew and appreciated, and he could tell she was going to let him off the hook. That was good, because he was too tired to fight with her. It was hard to win against a redhead anyway, especially this one.
“Sam,” said Kitty, as she passed by him, but Sam was already getting the coffee tray ready.
Doc took off his coat and hat, and he and Kitty sat at the table together, as they did most mornings.
Sam left the tray on the table, and Kitty poured the coffee and handed Doc a cup and saucer.
As he took his first sip, Doc thought about how special mornings were in the Long Branch, sitting with Kitty just like this. And her coffee was always better than anyone else’s. Of course, today he would probably float out. He’d had enough coffee for two or three mornings, but that was all right. Kitty wasn’t going to be mad at him for talking to Matt about all those things she had confided in him. He would drink a little extra coffee to celebrate things heading back in the right direction. He had watched Matt earlier, and saw the way he looked at Kitty before he left with Festus. Yes, that look said a lot. Matt Dillon was as in love with Kitty Russell as he’d ever been.
It looked like that eighteen-year non-permanent relationship wasn’t finished yet.
Doc took a breath and tugged at his ear. “So, I take it you’re not mad at me for beating up Matt a little bit, Kitty?” asked Doc. They had to clear the air, even if she was making it easier for him.
“Is that what you did, Doc?” she asked.
“Well, in a manner of speaking,” said Doc.
“Hmmm, then maybe that’s what he needs every now and then.”
“Not from me, Kitty. I’m worn out. I’m too old for this,” said Doc, brushing his moustache.
“Too old, did you say?” asked Kitty. “Too old?”
Doc realized too late that he had fallen into the trap.
“Kitty I’m allowed. I’m a whole lot older than both you and Matt, so you can just… cut me a little slack,” said Doc.
“No way, Doc,” she said, shaking her head. “You do not get to use that excuse if I can’t.”
Doc remembered Matt using it, too, but that was part of Matt’s story to tell when he talked to Kitty later.
“Matt just looked at me in a way he hasn’t in a long time, Doc. And I owe that to you,” she said softly.
“Not at all. I told you nothing has changed for Matt, Kitty,” he said. “All I did was light a fire under him, which he needs occasionally. But he’ll tell you all about it.”
She nodded. “Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.” She sighed with relief.
Doc knew she was telling herself that more than him.
“Things are just fine, Sweetheart,” said Doc, reaching over to squeeze her hand. “You betcha.” He stood. “And now, young lady, I have to head home and lie down awhile. You know how I get when I’m off-schedule.” He grinned at her, and she chuckled. “You and Matt have kept me up for the better part of two days, and I can’t go that long anymore without some serious sleep.” He put on his coat and hat.
“I think I can speak for both us when I say we didn’t intend to keep you up, Doc,” said Kitty, with a lilt in her voice that meant the world to Doc to hear it again.
“When things aren’t right in Dodge City, I can’t sleep anymore, Kitty, and that’s just the way it is.”
She shook her head and grinned. “Well, now that’s sad, Doc, because things are often out of whack around here.”
Doc didn’t bother to mention that, in his opinion, things weren’t right in Dodge City only when she and the marshal weren’t getting along. Not much else mattered to him anymore.
“Thanks for the coffee,” said Doc. He winked at Kitty and headed for the doors, pulling up his collar as he went.
Doc Adams was home and in bed within half an hour, and as he drifted off to sleep he remembered the way Matt looked at Kitty before leaving with Festus, and the look on Kitty’s face as she watched her man go.
They would be just fine. Still.
That day, Doc Adams slept with a smile on his face, and rested better than he had in weeks.
The End